i have been a little quiet in recent weeks. for the one and a half of you who missed me, there is a reason for my silence — a very good reason.
i met someone not long ago, who became an extremely serious someone right around my last post. she is the reason for my hiatus from the blog keyboard *i am still working, daily, which requires my to be very personal with a keyboard, sometimes many keyboards (but more on keyboard/computer monogamy in a later blog)*
she has changed my life in so many ways and all positive. she possesses all i have looked for in a lover and more. she is more. more than a lover. more than a girlfriend. more than my future wife. she is everything and — to repeat that word — more. she has been my date, my girlfriend, my fiancé, my best friend. she has been those things, she is those things and she will always be those things.
well, i have returned to my blog today to post a couple of things i have written for her in the recent weeks. i hope you enjoy. i am going to post them now, and will continue to post in the future as i feel the need. enjoy.....
— — — — — — — — — — — —
•your song comes forth•
an old song
plays sadly,
as through
broken speakers
comes its
burned-out
notes.
but now,
with a
new day
dawn,
a sweet praise
you play
for me,
for me.....
my tears
form
flush
a cascade
as i join in
your song,
in light,
illuminates
monuments,
cathedrals
once
dedicated
to love.
and
in me
comes pause,
a smile
to go
through
a world
never taken,
never taken
before.
but now
there's
a new,
freshly felt
longing
in my chest.
this strange
pounding
in my heart
comes a tune
you once created
that you now sing
just for me
just for me.......
m•g•m
02•20•09
— — — — — — — — — — — —
•Untitled•
Trees sprout
majestic
lost limbs
volcanic rock
substitute
a trunk
the leaves
standing still
for one man
it was his salvation
and for the other
just a chance to
find his way
home....
mgm
03.05.09
— — — — — — — — — — — —
•driving to you•
The you of my dreams
The you in possession of my heart
The you who stole my soul
The you who owns my body
The you who takes my breath away
The you I always think of
The you I will always be
The you who gave me forever
The you I can't wait to see
The you I love and
The you I will hold
Never letting go...
mgm
02.01.09
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
if i wasn't such a fan of the game.....
I finally get home and sit on the couch after working a 12-hour day, going strong from 8 a.m. to approx. 8 p.m. So of course I am looking forward to getting to the house and just completely chilling for a while, like no talking = chilling, like not moving for hours = while. So after attempting to leave work for at least a half-dozen times, I finally get home and turn on the television eager to watch the Tennessee Volunteers host the Kentucky Wildcats in ESPN's prime-time SEC contest.
And by contest, I mean that loosely -- very loosely.
It seems the game oh-so quickly turned into that Ryan Phillippe, Selma Hayek, Mike Myers and Neve Campbell production of 54.......
Anyways, the game did not resemble anything recognizable from Tennessee's perspective -- and, for that matter, the movie sucked, too.
So I witness all of that, yet I continued to watch as the Volunteers followed poor shots with poorer ones. If Tennessee's game was currency, Big Orange would be on welfare. Food stamps.
And please don't get me started on the Volunteers' defense. If bowing up on D was the Spelling Bee, they acted as if they had never heard the word -- so sorry, Merriam-Webster. Tennessee could not spell the word, could not pronounce it, could not use it in a sentence and the Vols much less knew what it meant. All that drama was especially true when Kentucky guard Jodie Meeks had the rock in his palms.
Well, the junior took shot after shot, and each continued to splash en route to knocking down 54 points. He did all this while taking the lead -- over Kobe, over Oden, HELL, even over Howard and Orlando's NBA-record 23 3s -- on SportsCenter.
He broke Kentucky's single-game record, which Dan Issel set versus Ole Miss -- before I was born (my only consolation this night) -- 39 years ago when the Wildcat great messed around to the tune of 53 points.
Anytime someone breaks a Kentucky record -- whether single-game, season or career -- it is saying something. See, the Wildcats have about as storied a program as any school, anywhere.
Meeks hit almost everything he threw up -- treys, free throws, 10-foot jumpers or right at the rack.
With all the brilliant shots Meeks took -- and made -- a good place to begin is the most simple portion of his game Tuesday night -- at the line.
Meeks calmly dropped 14-of-14 from the free-throw line and that was the easiest part for Tennessee fans to stomach.
Because, what the Vols are usually doing -- getting to the line -- Meeks was copping, well, when he wasn't dropping every type of shot there is, at least. It was as if he could just take one step over half-court, pull up and well ....... you get the idea.
Meeks set another Kentucky record from downtown, too. And that also is a part of the Volunteers' game that usually falls in their favor.
But this night, when Tennessee could do nothing right -- and I mean, nothing -- Meeks was like a microwave behind the arc, hitting 10-of-14 3-pointers.
Yeah, I know ..... ho-hum.
Possibly the most frustrating aspect of Meeks' game Tuesday night for Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl
was Meeks was so far gone in the zone that even when Volunteer guards attempted -- feebly, mind you -- defense on Meeks, he still barely hit rim as he dropped bomb after bomb.
At the midway mark of the first half, when Meeks had just 17 points -- 17 points!!! -- ESPN color commentator Jimmy Dykes said, tongue-in-cheek (at the time) that Meeks could easily drop 50 on the night. Well, with 26 points at the half, it suddenly became very evident to everyone in Thompson-Boling Arena that Meeks was on the verge of having one of those special nights to the point that each and every ESPN Radio show in the morning will be discussing and dissecting Meeks' game that I will be forced to relive on my drive to work.
Happy, happy! Joy, joy!
Meeks made 15-of-22 from the field as Kentucky upped its record to 13-4 on the year and 2-0 in the SEC's Eastern Division. Tennessee, which started the season ranked among the top teams in the country, playing possibly the nation's toughest non-conference schedule -- splitting two games against Gonzaga and dropping the hammer on a tough, Final Four-caliber Georgetown -- fell to 10-5 overall, 1-1 in the SEC.
Now, all of a sudden, the Volunteers are looking like a team that has lost their identity, personality. As the conference season is just beginning to warm up, that is not a good sign for Tennessee fans.
But for Kentucky fans, coach Billy Gillispie -- who had Big Blue fans grumbling last season until the Cats made a remarkable turnaround, streaking into the NCAA Tournament -- might be turning the corner in Lexington. The coach has turned around UTEP and Texas A&M before venturing into the SEC and Kentucky's storied program and its often unrealistic expectations -- national title each and every season.
The Wildcats most likely will not contend for the NCAA championship this season, but with Meeks, the Gillispie-led squad might surprise some teams and run through the SEC schedule and make a deeper-than-expected Big Dance run.
With the show the guard put on display Tuesday night, it is not a stretch to think in those terms -- for Cats' fans and the rest of us, too.
Meeks didn't just drop ridiculous buckets, either. He grabbed eight rebounds and dropped four dimes, all while just committing one turnover against Tennessee's supposed tough full-court defensive pressure.
There was no drop-off in his game at any point, even after playing 39 of the 40 minutes. In fact, it was the Vols who looked weak and weary.
With 3:50 left in the game, Meeks had 52 points. Tennessee? The Volunteers had just 64. I'm talking the entire team here. One-man wrecking crew? You bet.
Meeks only played just 11 games last season after suffering one injury after another -- hip flexor, a fractured pelvis and a sports hernia, which led to going under the knife during the offseason. If Tuesday night is any indication, Meeks has recovered. He is so well at this point, he is seriously playing his way into National Player of the Year conversations, especially as the Wildcats continue to win and garner headlines.
Sure, Meeks has tough competition with North Carolina's Tyler Hansbrough, Oklahoma's Blake Griffin, Davidson's Stephon Curry and Notre Dame's Luke Harangody. But the Kentucky guard is fifth in the nation, averaging 25 points per game -- or at least he WAS dropping 25 per before last night's national showcase.
Say hello to Jodie Meeks America. For everyone except the Vols, it is a pleasure to meet him.
It has been just 24 days since Meeks dropped his previous career-high of 46 points against Appalachian State.
Now, hoop junkies want to know how long it will be until he tops Tuesday night.
Because with his game skyrocketing it's not a matter of IF.
Kentucky fans enjoy the ride, because for Jodie Meeks it is now WHEN.
And by contest, I mean that loosely -- very loosely.
It seems the game oh-so quickly turned into that Ryan Phillippe, Selma Hayek, Mike Myers and Neve Campbell production of 54.......
Anyways, the game did not resemble anything recognizable from Tennessee's perspective -- and, for that matter, the movie sucked, too.
So I witness all of that, yet I continued to watch as the Volunteers followed poor shots with poorer ones. If Tennessee's game was currency, Big Orange would be on welfare. Food stamps.
And please don't get me started on the Volunteers' defense. If bowing up on D was the Spelling Bee, they acted as if they had never heard the word -- so sorry, Merriam-Webster. Tennessee could not spell the word, could not pronounce it, could not use it in a sentence and the Vols much less knew what it meant. All that drama was especially true when Kentucky guard Jodie Meeks had the rock in his palms.
Well, the junior took shot after shot, and each continued to splash en route to knocking down 54 points. He did all this while taking the lead -- over Kobe, over Oden, HELL, even over Howard and Orlando's NBA-record 23 3s -- on SportsCenter.He broke Kentucky's single-game record, which Dan Issel set versus Ole Miss -- before I was born (my only consolation this night) -- 39 years ago when the Wildcat great messed around to the tune of 53 points.
Anytime someone breaks a Kentucky record -- whether single-game, season or career -- it is saying something. See, the Wildcats have about as storied a program as any school, anywhere.
Meeks hit almost everything he threw up -- treys, free throws, 10-foot jumpers or right at the rack.
With all the brilliant shots Meeks took -- and made -- a good place to begin is the most simple portion of his game Tuesday night -- at the line.
Meeks calmly dropped 14-of-14 from the free-throw line and that was the easiest part for Tennessee fans to stomach.
Because, what the Vols are usually doing -- getting to the line -- Meeks was copping, well, when he wasn't dropping every type of shot there is, at least. It was as if he could just take one step over half-court, pull up and well ....... you get the idea.
Meeks set another Kentucky record from downtown, too. And that also is a part of the Volunteers' game that usually falls in their favor.
But this night, when Tennessee could do nothing right -- and I mean, nothing -- Meeks was like a microwave behind the arc, hitting 10-of-14 3-pointers.
Yeah, I know ..... ho-hum.
Possibly the most frustrating aspect of Meeks' game Tuesday night for Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl
was Meeks was so far gone in the zone that even when Volunteer guards attempted -- feebly, mind you -- defense on Meeks, he still barely hit rim as he dropped bomb after bomb.At the midway mark of the first half, when Meeks had just 17 points -- 17 points!!! -- ESPN color commentator Jimmy Dykes said, tongue-in-cheek (at the time) that Meeks could easily drop 50 on the night. Well, with 26 points at the half, it suddenly became very evident to everyone in Thompson-Boling Arena that Meeks was on the verge of having one of those special nights to the point that each and every ESPN Radio show in the morning will be discussing and dissecting Meeks' game that I will be forced to relive on my drive to work.
Happy, happy! Joy, joy!
Meeks made 15-of-22 from the field as Kentucky upped its record to 13-4 on the year and 2-0 in the SEC's Eastern Division. Tennessee, which started the season ranked among the top teams in the country, playing possibly the nation's toughest non-conference schedule -- splitting two games against Gonzaga and dropping the hammer on a tough, Final Four-caliber Georgetown -- fell to 10-5 overall, 1-1 in the SEC.
Now, all of a sudden, the Volunteers are looking like a team that has lost their identity, personality. As the conference season is just beginning to warm up, that is not a good sign for Tennessee fans.
But for Kentucky fans, coach Billy Gillispie -- who had Big Blue fans grumbling last season until the Cats made a remarkable turnaround, streaking into the NCAA Tournament -- might be turning the corner in Lexington. The coach has turned around UTEP and Texas A&M before venturing into the SEC and Kentucky's storied program and its often unrealistic expectations -- national title each and every season.
The Wildcats most likely will not contend for the NCAA championship this season, but with Meeks, the Gillispie-led squad might surprise some teams and run through the SEC schedule and make a deeper-than-expected Big Dance run.
With the show the guard put on display Tuesday night, it is not a stretch to think in those terms -- for Cats' fans and the rest of us, too.
Meeks didn't just drop ridiculous buckets, either. He grabbed eight rebounds and dropped four dimes, all while just committing one turnover against Tennessee's supposed tough full-court defensive pressure.
There was no drop-off in his game at any point, even after playing 39 of the 40 minutes. In fact, it was the Vols who looked weak and weary.
With 3:50 left in the game, Meeks had 52 points. Tennessee? The Volunteers had just 64. I'm talking the entire team here. One-man wrecking crew? You bet.
Meeks only played just 11 games last season after suffering one injury after another -- hip flexor, a fractured pelvis and a sports hernia, which led to going under the knife during the offseason. If Tuesday night is any indication, Meeks has recovered. He is so well at this point, he is seriously playing his way into National Player of the Year conversations, especially as the Wildcats continue to win and garner headlines.
Sure, Meeks has tough competition with North Carolina's Tyler Hansbrough, Oklahoma's Blake Griffin, Davidson's Stephon Curry and Notre Dame's Luke Harangody. But the Kentucky guard is fifth in the nation, averaging 25 points per game -- or at least he WAS dropping 25 per before last night's national showcase.
Say hello to Jodie Meeks America. For everyone except the Vols, it is a pleasure to meet him.
It has been just 24 days since Meeks dropped his previous career-high of 46 points against Appalachian State.
Now, hoop junkies want to know how long it will be until he tops Tuesday night.
Because with his game skyrocketing it's not a matter of IF.
Kentucky fans enjoy the ride, because for Jodie Meeks it is now WHEN.
Monday, January 12, 2009
what a dreary monday
i sit here at my desk. alone. what else is new?
i tend to torture myself on these types of days with my selection of tunes from my grrrlfriend -- elise, my ipod.
today, the dreary tunes draw me to the innocence mission.
why do i do this to myself?
for fun, i guess.
without anyone to do it to me, i do it to myself.
i just want this day to end. soon. please?
i tend to torture myself on these types of days with my selection of tunes from my grrrlfriend -- elise, my ipod.
today, the dreary tunes draw me to the innocence mission.
why do i do this to myself?
for fun, i guess.
without anyone to do it to me, i do it to myself.
i just want this day to end. soon. please?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
it has been a while.....
it has been a little while since i last posted on here.
things have happened. things have changed. things have stayed the same.
is it bad to want to die?
oh well, who really cares?
i did write this recently and wanted to post it in case i take my last breath tonight.....
if you choose
to bestow
your grace
your golden hair
i would plant
a dance of dreams
in your daylight joy
and days for months
and years for life
i will never let go
i will never let go...
things have happened. things have changed. things have stayed the same.
is it bad to want to die?
oh well, who really cares?
i did write this recently and wanted to post it in case i take my last breath tonight.....
if you choose
to bestow
your grace
your golden hair
i would plant
a dance of dreams
in your daylight joy
and days for months
and years for life
i will never let go
i will never let go...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
some fun with election night
Election is a busy night for those in the media, but there is no excuse to not have fun amid the craziness.
What I did is what others surely did and that is play a music game.
I took Barack Obama and substituted his name with certain songs. I know, it is cheesy, but it made the night pass quickly,
A few of the winners:
* "Keep on Barackin in the free world."
* "Barack, Barack, Barackin on Heaven's door."
* "Barack the boat, don't Barack the boat baby. Barack the boat, don't tip the boat over."
* "Barack-n-roll, hoochie coo."
* "Barack it."
* "We will, we will Barack you."
* "I love Barack and Roll."
* "Barack me Amadeus."
* "I am a Barack."
* "For those about to Barack, we salute you."
* "Barack lobster."
* "Barack the Casbah."
The list goes on and on, but I will spare you the details. You can come up with your own. It is fun.
And remember, Barack out with your cocks out!
What I did is what others surely did and that is play a music game.
I took Barack Obama and substituted his name with certain songs. I know, it is cheesy, but it made the night pass quickly,
A few of the winners:
* "Keep on Barackin in the free world."
* "Barack, Barack, Barackin on Heaven's door."
* "Barack the boat, don't Barack the boat baby. Barack the boat, don't tip the boat over."
* "Barack-n-roll, hoochie coo."
* "Barack it."
* "We will, we will Barack you."
* "I love Barack and Roll."
* "Barack me Amadeus."
* "I am a Barack."
* "For those about to Barack, we salute you."
* "Barack lobster."
* "Barack the Casbah."
The list goes on and on, but I will spare you the details. You can come up with your own. It is fun.
And remember, Barack out with your cocks out!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
do not worry about me, it was just a phone call
So I have rambled incessantly over the weeks and months -- especially since I became the Editorial Page Editor and started producing daily opinion/editorial pieces for my daily -- about how everyone seems to thrive off phoning or writing me to let me know I live in a blood red state. Each concerned citizen feels the need to either convince me of the error of my ways or attempt to convert me or, most often it seems, just wants to let me know the extent of their vocab skills.
The last occurs maybe 60 percent of the work week, the middle from every other drone -- or readers, as they so wish they were -- and the first, each and every person.
It does not go unappreciated or unnoticed. With each instance, a certain glow is provided to my day. Every time it happens, it makes me happy to be alive.
Mind you, I am wrong, even when what I write is an agreeable piece with said concerned citizen. There is a certain, as it was said to me Tuesday afternoon, subconscious, between-the-lines way in which I write, it seems. Never straight-forward and to the point, just my attempt to lead the sheep astray.
The four-letter words, the venom, the hate spewed forth by these mouth-breathers, brings a smile to my face. As my friend, Kevin, told me when I took this job, "When your voicemail is running over and your inbox crammed full, you know you have done your job when you are being attacked on all sides."
It did not take long for me to understand exactly what he meant by that.
I am a little more than two months into this job. Before that I was privy to this knowledge from the former Editorial-Opinion Writer/Editorial Page Editor and I got different, while hateful all the same, input from readers/subscribers as a former Sports Editor (hey it was all that was available -- sports -- when I first applied out of college). I took the job, because I needed the job, and rather quickly moved up the newsroom's food chain into management. But I never wanted to stay in sports long and when I was approached about transferring to the dark side of news, I leaped. I hurled myself in my current direction because of several reasons.
First, I have wanted to try my hand at opinion/editorial almost as long as I have wanted to work in print journalism (specifically, since I was about 12 or 13 years old).
Second, it was the best avenue for future advancement -- I was not moving up directly from my Sports Editor desk.
Third, the hours are much better. In sports, it is a seven-day-a-week gig. For us being an a.m. paper, it also meant working from about 2 or 3 p.m. to anywhere from midnight to 2 or 3 a.m. Seven-days-a-week, 10 hours a *night* will burn your light out rapidly. Now, I work Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. The new hours allow me to actually have a life, letting me spend that life with my 4-year-old son. I have witnessed more in his life -- every other weekend -- the last three or so months than I had in the previous three-plus years combined. I truly do believe that.
For those three primary reasons, I allow myself to be attacked -- not in a physical nature, so far. ... I am subjected to violent phone conversations; twisted, violent e-mails; and bi-polar, schizophrenic letters delivered by the postal service. I do all of this, not with dread or fear, but most times with a smile on my face. Ninety-nine percent of these kind souls do not realize the sad insanity in which they spew. The contradictions and preschool logic have moved me to tears before. Not because I am frightened or properly put in my place, but because I am laughing so hard, my tummy hurts.
So as I sit here at my home computer, researching future edits, I look forward to Wednesday.
I just wonder how many four-letter words and names I will be called? The funny thing is with it being Wednesday, some of these kind folks will attend their house of worship.
Where I live, it seems, red state equals the opposite of family values and compassion. It equals hypocrisy.
The last occurs maybe 60 percent of the work week, the middle from every other drone -- or readers, as they so wish they were -- and the first, each and every person.
It does not go unappreciated or unnoticed. With each instance, a certain glow is provided to my day. Every time it happens, it makes me happy to be alive.
Mind you, I am wrong, even when what I write is an agreeable piece with said concerned citizen. There is a certain, as it was said to me Tuesday afternoon, subconscious, between-the-lines way in which I write, it seems. Never straight-forward and to the point, just my attempt to lead the sheep astray.
The four-letter words, the venom, the hate spewed forth by these mouth-breathers, brings a smile to my face. As my friend, Kevin, told me when I took this job, "When your voicemail is running over and your inbox crammed full, you know you have done your job when you are being attacked on all sides."
It did not take long for me to understand exactly what he meant by that.
I am a little more than two months into this job. Before that I was privy to this knowledge from the former Editorial-Opinion Writer/Editorial Page Editor and I got different, while hateful all the same, input from readers/subscribers as a former Sports Editor (hey it was all that was available -- sports -- when I first applied out of college). I took the job, because I needed the job, and rather quickly moved up the newsroom's food chain into management. But I never wanted to stay in sports long and when I was approached about transferring to the dark side of news, I leaped. I hurled myself in my current direction because of several reasons.
First, I have wanted to try my hand at opinion/editorial almost as long as I have wanted to work in print journalism (specifically, since I was about 12 or 13 years old).
Second, it was the best avenue for future advancement -- I was not moving up directly from my Sports Editor desk.
Third, the hours are much better. In sports, it is a seven-day-a-week gig. For us being an a.m. paper, it also meant working from about 2 or 3 p.m. to anywhere from midnight to 2 or 3 a.m. Seven-days-a-week, 10 hours a *night* will burn your light out rapidly. Now, I work Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. The new hours allow me to actually have a life, letting me spend that life with my 4-year-old son. I have witnessed more in his life -- every other weekend -- the last three or so months than I had in the previous three-plus years combined. I truly do believe that.
For those three primary reasons, I allow myself to be attacked -- not in a physical nature, so far. ... I am subjected to violent phone conversations; twisted, violent e-mails; and bi-polar, schizophrenic letters delivered by the postal service. I do all of this, not with dread or fear, but most times with a smile on my face. Ninety-nine percent of these kind souls do not realize the sad insanity in which they spew. The contradictions and preschool logic have moved me to tears before. Not because I am frightened or properly put in my place, but because I am laughing so hard, my tummy hurts.
So as I sit here at my home computer, researching future edits, I look forward to Wednesday.
I just wonder how many four-letter words and names I will be called? The funny thing is with it being Wednesday, some of these kind folks will attend their house of worship.
Where I live, it seems, red state equals the opposite of family values and compassion. It equals hypocrisy.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
i just don't understand
OK, so there is this story that circulated from our Montgomery correspondent in today's edition that has me scratching my head.
In the copy, our correspondent scribes about how the government, or more precisely the Federal Emergency Manangement Agency, has not paid the state for damages which occured during the Hurricane Gustav evacuation.
It appears FEMA owes the state two-year college system something like $2.25 million for damages to shelters (also known as gymnasiums to the community college basketball teams) and for things like methadone for smack addicts.
When all of this was going on, I had a friend, a close friend, who ran one of the shelters. I went there a couple of times.
I DID NOT SEE METHADONE!
I mean, seriously, the state was just handing junkies sustinance to keep them from jonesing and withdrawing in the middle of the shelter?
This shit just had my jaw on the floor.
I had heard about the rapes, assaults, robberies, thefts at Wal-Mart, vandalism, etc., but no one told me about the 24-hour methadone clinic our state was running at your local junior college.
You can read the more tame version of this and more on our Web site or in the daily edition, but I had to post here. After all, they won't let me write about methadone and I did type *shit* earlier.
Go figure, FEMA owes the state two-plus million dollars for running a methadone clinic for five days.
Wow, and to think, I figured it would be no fun and nothing to do. Who knew I could have gotten high?
Thanks FEMA and thanks Alabama.
In the copy, our correspondent scribes about how the government, or more precisely the Federal Emergency Manangement Agency, has not paid the state for damages which occured during the Hurricane Gustav evacuation.
It appears FEMA owes the state two-year college system something like $2.25 million for damages to shelters (also known as gymnasiums to the community college basketball teams) and for things like methadone for smack addicts.
When all of this was going on, I had a friend, a close friend, who ran one of the shelters. I went there a couple of times.
I DID NOT SEE METHADONE!
I mean, seriously, the state was just handing junkies sustinance to keep them from jonesing and withdrawing in the middle of the shelter?
This shit just had my jaw on the floor.
I had heard about the rapes, assaults, robberies, thefts at Wal-Mart, vandalism, etc., but no one told me about the 24-hour methadone clinic our state was running at your local junior college.
You can read the more tame version of this and more on our Web site or in the daily edition, but I had to post here. After all, they won't let me write about methadone and I did type *shit* earlier.
Go figure, FEMA owes the state two-plus million dollars for running a methadone clinic for five days.
Wow, and to think, I figured it would be no fun and nothing to do. Who knew I could have gotten high?
Thanks FEMA and thanks Alabama.
Monday, October 20, 2008
it's all make believe
i figured something out this weekend -- nothing is real. or at least as real as i used to think things were.
i burned the oil all weekend and, well, it was way worth it.
it's kinda like the song "firecracker" -- i don't want to go on forever, i just want to burn up hot and bright. let me be your firecracker. let me be your baby tonight.
it all started about 6 p.m. friday and it just now ended (and it's 2:15 a.m. monday morning).
i have not put in a weekend like this in quite a while, but i have been to and viewed a lot of places this weekend and i stared into a lot of eyes and heard a lot of voices, while they in turn heard mine. but it still comes back to nothing being real. i mean, i went a million miles an hour for three straight days in four different counties, birmingham, and other municipalities, and it is all a blur. unreal.
maybe work will be grounded this morning. oh shite, that is in five hours.
nite!
i burned the oil all weekend and, well, it was way worth it.
it's kinda like the song "firecracker" -- i don't want to go on forever, i just want to burn up hot and bright. let me be your firecracker. let me be your baby tonight.
it all started about 6 p.m. friday and it just now ended (and it's 2:15 a.m. monday morning).
i have not put in a weekend like this in quite a while, but i have been to and viewed a lot of places this weekend and i stared into a lot of eyes and heard a lot of voices, while they in turn heard mine. but it still comes back to nothing being real. i mean, i went a million miles an hour for three straight days in four different counties, birmingham, and other municipalities, and it is all a blur. unreal.
maybe work will be grounded this morning. oh shite, that is in five hours.
nite!
Friday, October 17, 2008
i walk to you, only you
i walked to you in the still night.
you in soft slumber, so tenderly sweet
with innocent inspiration.
but i awoke too soon
to find the screen in my hopes
are not equivalent to the realities of dream,
not like the prayers of times long past.
your arms reached out
and i reached in to find
my heart beats still
and you steward my love,
but the reception
along the way
waned.
and i drifted to dreams
yet again
with wants to outlandish
to speak.
i hope you know
i will always love you.
i hope you will share
my dream again,
on a night when minds
crave change
on a night where your arms
are my goal.
i'm walking to your door,
will the light
be on
to welcome me in?
i knock and I hope
the rapping
wakes us all
so we can fall
asleep again
in the warmth
of our embrace....
you in soft slumber, so tenderly sweet
with innocent inspiration.
but i awoke too soon
to find the screen in my hopes
are not equivalent to the realities of dream,
not like the prayers of times long past.
your arms reached out
and i reached in to find
my heart beats still
and you steward my love,
but the reception
along the way
waned.
and i drifted to dreams
yet again
with wants to outlandish
to speak.
i hope you know
i will always love you.
i hope you will share
my dream again,
on a night when minds
crave change
on a night where your arms
are my goal.
i'm walking to your door,
will the light
be on
to welcome me in?
i knock and I hope
the rapping
wakes us all
so we can fall
asleep again
in the warmth
of our embrace....
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
A Google-ly cure for a drunken heart
Jessica Mintz, an Associated Press Technology Writer, wrote an interesting story Tuesday, which I noticed on the general news wire.
She began the piece:
“Here’s the scenario: It’s Friday night, and what began as an innocent happy-hour margarita morphed into a few pitchers. After all, those tacos were salty.
“Bidding friends adieu, you jump in a cab, head home and decide a quick e-mail check is in order. And there it is: a message from your ex. Or your boss. Or that friend you’re secretly mad at.
“If you are the kind of person who types tipsy and regrets it in the morning, Google’s ‘Mail Goggles,’ a new test-phase feature in the free Gmail service, might save you some angst.”
What Mintz is writing about is a program by Google, which will ask you a few easy math problems. The “Mail Goggles” require you to answer these problems in a short amount of time before you can send your e-mail, to whoever it might be going to.
If you answer correctly, the program assumes you are logical enough to know what you are typing, eliminating the “drunk e-mail syndrome,” which is a technological advance from my younger days of “drunk calling.”
I have done that quite a few times in my life and, I assume, you have done the same. But before the Internet there were no safeguards from saying something stupid while inebriated. So there have been several people in my life who have had to endure the drunken ramblings of an idiot (I act like this does not still happen, when we all know we still do it and probably always will).
Well, Google can save those of use who prefer typing e-mails over talking on the phone. A little change of your Gmail settings and — poof! — you have “Mail Goggles.”
As I type this, I am saddened I did not read this story by Ms. Mintz last week. It might have saved one of you from hearing your phone ring on end Saturday night.
Although “Mail Goggles” would not prevent “drunk texting,” it would keep intoxicated romantics, like me, from sending you War and Peace-like e-mails.
Too bad this program does not return the same affection presented in an e-mail.
That, too, will come soon enough from those wacky Google folks. Who knows? In time, those Google people might grant me enough money to buy what we want to hear. It could happen. Twenty years ago when I was “drunk calling” you, what average person would have imagined we would have “Mail Goggles” or even the Internet.
So give it time. What else do I have?
She began the piece:
“Here’s the scenario: It’s Friday night, and what began as an innocent happy-hour margarita morphed into a few pitchers. After all, those tacos were salty.
“Bidding friends adieu, you jump in a cab, head home and decide a quick e-mail check is in order. And there it is: a message from your ex. Or your boss. Or that friend you’re secretly mad at.
“If you are the kind of person who types tipsy and regrets it in the morning, Google’s ‘Mail Goggles,’ a new test-phase feature in the free Gmail service, might save you some angst.”
What Mintz is writing about is a program by Google, which will ask you a few easy math problems. The “Mail Goggles” require you to answer these problems in a short amount of time before you can send your e-mail, to whoever it might be going to.
If you answer correctly, the program assumes you are logical enough to know what you are typing, eliminating the “drunk e-mail syndrome,” which is a technological advance from my younger days of “drunk calling.”
I have done that quite a few times in my life and, I assume, you have done the same. But before the Internet there were no safeguards from saying something stupid while inebriated. So there have been several people in my life who have had to endure the drunken ramblings of an idiot (I act like this does not still happen, when we all know we still do it and probably always will).
Well, Google can save those of use who prefer typing e-mails over talking on the phone. A little change of your Gmail settings and — poof! — you have “Mail Goggles.”
As I type this, I am saddened I did not read this story by Ms. Mintz last week. It might have saved one of you from hearing your phone ring on end Saturday night.
Although “Mail Goggles” would not prevent “drunk texting,” it would keep intoxicated romantics, like me, from sending you War and Peace-like e-mails.
Too bad this program does not return the same affection presented in an e-mail.
That, too, will come soon enough from those wacky Google folks. Who knows? In time, those Google people might grant me enough money to buy what we want to hear. It could happen. Twenty years ago when I was “drunk calling” you, what average person would have imagined we would have “Mail Goggles” or even the Internet.
So give it time. What else do I have?
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Nothing ever changes in the hood
I went out last night, thinking that the different scenery would change the pattern of thought in my tired brain. It did not happen and I have only one person to blame for that — me.
The night of social drinking and a feeble attempt at connection only exasperated my emotions and feelings.
At 1 a.m. I continued my broken promises to someone I care about deeply.
After that, I just went home to sleep. But that too was a feeble attempt.
I tossed and turned, thinking about the night. I wondered if others were doing the same, but I knew, deep down, that they were soundly sleeping.
My dreams are not the same as others. My goals are not shared.
I often throw darts at the board, hoping someday, just one will stick. It is futile and hopeless, but the hopeless romantic in me chooses to be blind to obvious truth.
I attempt to spark some hope so often that I miss the fire all around me.
It will probably continue, although I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut.
But that, too, makes me wonder if opening my mouth would make things different? Would throwing it all out there make a change?
I resign myself to the belief that it would not. Most likely, it would make things worse.
Like I have written before, if someone wants something, they will go and get it. But too often, I try to hand it to them and, in turn, create unnecessary pain for myself.
I tell myself, this has got to stop. But I continue on. Maybe I am into the self-torture thing? Maybe I like the pain and hurt when I cannot be with the one I love?
But if the one I love does not want to be with me, why push it? Why make things worse? Because I love her, plain and simple.
I always will.
I, again, tell myself that I will not say anything, I will not push the issue.
But tomorrow is Monday and it is the start of a new week.
I wonder what it will bring? What new revelations will come with it?
Probably more of the same — another week of me trying and another week of me hurting myself.
Hopefully, the cycle will end one day. Hopefully, I will learn my lesson.
But as long as the chance is there, I will not rest on what I had. I will press on toward the future. No matter what that day will hold.
I hope it will hold us together, but if it does not, it will not change what I hope to be and strive to be.
I just hope she is listening….
The night of social drinking and a feeble attempt at connection only exasperated my emotions and feelings.
At 1 a.m. I continued my broken promises to someone I care about deeply.
After that, I just went home to sleep. But that too was a feeble attempt.
I tossed and turned, thinking about the night. I wondered if others were doing the same, but I knew, deep down, that they were soundly sleeping.
My dreams are not the same as others. My goals are not shared.
I often throw darts at the board, hoping someday, just one will stick. It is futile and hopeless, but the hopeless romantic in me chooses to be blind to obvious truth.
I attempt to spark some hope so often that I miss the fire all around me.
It will probably continue, although I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut.
But that, too, makes me wonder if opening my mouth would make things different? Would throwing it all out there make a change?
I resign myself to the belief that it would not. Most likely, it would make things worse.
Like I have written before, if someone wants something, they will go and get it. But too often, I try to hand it to them and, in turn, create unnecessary pain for myself.
I tell myself, this has got to stop. But I continue on. Maybe I am into the self-torture thing? Maybe I like the pain and hurt when I cannot be with the one I love?
But if the one I love does not want to be with me, why push it? Why make things worse? Because I love her, plain and simple.
I always will.
I, again, tell myself that I will not say anything, I will not push the issue.
But tomorrow is Monday and it is the start of a new week.
I wonder what it will bring? What new revelations will come with it?
Probably more of the same — another week of me trying and another week of me hurting myself.
Hopefully, the cycle will end one day. Hopefully, I will learn my lesson.
But as long as the chance is there, I will not rest on what I had. I will press on toward the future. No matter what that day will hold.
I hope it will hold us together, but if it does not, it will not change what I hope to be and strive to be.
I just hope she is listening….
Saturday, October 4, 2008
what a wonderful web we weave...
I can honestly say this has been one of the most — EAR MUFFS!!! — f***ed up days I have had in ages. And I can honestly say I had nothing to do with it, which is rather surprising, considering my way of screwing things up for so many people, including myself.
It started out strange with a phone call this morning, like pre-dawn early. I am not going to name names here, but suffice it to say the call came from someone close.
Anyways, she said she was coming to town. I knew this was not a good sign. Never this early, I thought. Boy was I right.
Seems her husband, who had cheated on her a while back, had emptied his heart and soul late last night and told her how he truly feels. The two of them have children and for the sake of the kids, and also because this grrrrl really, really loves this person, the two of them had tried working things out, going to a counselor and all.
But it all boiled over last night.
This person who he had been cheating with had been sending him e-mails, texts, had been calling him and had even sent pictures of her to him. He got caught and was cornered with the news, which was news to me and everyone else that knows them. In the months since the first indiscretion, I thought things we going well between the two. Counseling had been going good, the two of them seemed happy, it basically seemed like things were back to normal.
Until this morning.
He told her that he "loved" this other grrrrl. That he was sorry. That he loved her, too.
Well, I have got news for him.... you cannot truly — in its purest sense — say that you love someone when you claim you love someone else.
It is called lust — look it up — not love.
So all day, there have been phone calls and the like and nothing has changed.
I am not sure if he actually realizes what he has and what he is losing. It is a shame. A downright shame.
I sit here on the computer, typing these words and I shake my head and wonder what the heck is really going on.
It has caused me to really look at life and all the things we say to one another. It makes me ponder my relationships — how few they may be — and take a close look at everything that touches my life.
As I write all the time, I am alone. I made a choice to break off a relationship I was in, because I was not happy. I tried to rekindle an old flame, to no avail.
Everything I have been told up to this point makes me hollow at times. I question all I hear and feel, because I wonder if it is really what I feel, if it is really what I want.
At this time, it does not matter. I could shout on the street corner my true feelings and it would not change a thing. It would not make a difference. And I am not sure why. I have yet to hear anything from anyone that makes sense to me.
We have all heard the words, "it's not you, it's me," "you're great, but I just want to be friends," and on and on. But when we open our hearts up to someone and that person gives back, it is the most wonderful feeling. It is indescribable.
There are times we all make mistakes. We have all been hurt, too.
Then there are those who make mistakes and that hurts, as well.
I have written and said that the object of my affection will realize one day who I am and what she has missed out on. Today, I sit here not so sure.
I talk to her — sometimes — and I exchange e-mails and texts — sometimes — and she continues to live her life. It is full and rewarding, she always has something to do and someone to do it with. She apparently has all she needs and wants and I am not part of those grand plans.
That is fine. It is her life. I do not want to be around someone I have to force to be around or with me. As much as it hurts — it really does, all the time — I have realized I am not a part of her life the way I once was, no matter how much she has told me she wants me in her life. Sometimes, actions scream louder than mere words.
So, I have to worry myself with those who need me and want me. As pathetic as I sound sometimes, I do realize what I have to give and offer. I know that I would make someone happier than they ever imagined. It is not going to be who I want it to be right now, but I do not want to her to regret. I do not want her to be sad when I am not there. I am not there now and she is not sad and thinking about me, so I doubt she will think of me then. After all, I am just a quick delete button on her cell phone away from being purged from her life anyway. So I do envision any grieving.
It is all right. It really is. I have been written off before. I have not had my phone calls or texts or e-mails returned before. It is old news from a new grrrrl. I just really do wish that she would have a chance to see what she is missing. I have totally changed, but no one will know without giving me a test drive. But like I wrote earlier, I cannot make someone do what she does not want to do.
Quite honestly, I have too much respect for myself to even try.
But today made me mad, too. It pissed me off quite honestly. While I respect myself, I am still a person. I still long to have someone to talk to, to hold, to spend time with, to grow old with, to have someone to love. And in return, I long to have someone love me, truly love me, to get lost in me and let go.
But while I have a really good job, with a really great 4-year-old son, with a great family, I am alone. I am caring, nurturing, loving, kind, funny, somewhat attractive, intelligent, loyal, down-to-earth and all that, but I still have no one. Sometimes, I feel like I am diseased and used up, like I have nothing to offer someone. I get the sense like I do not matter, at times, like if I did not exist, it would not matter, I would not be missed. And that is painful. It hurts me, at times, and it makes me often wish I was not here to have to wake up each day knowing it will end the same and that the next day will not change. But that is the life I have. It is lonely and depressing and when you do not even have “friends” that tell you they will always be there, then what do you have?
Right now, I am not sure.
But while I have my pity party, I think about today’s news. Here is someone who has a wonderful wife, someone who would go to the ends of the earth for him and he throws it away. And at the same time, here is someone so despicable that he would lust so bad that he would cheat on someone so wonderful.
Here he has two women — TWO — and I have no one.
What is wrong with this picture? Good guy is a leper; bad guy has his pick in women.
I guess I will never know. There is a chance that I am not supposed to know.
But it does add to my sadness and pain. I still do not feel wanted and loved. And I am still alone.
I just hope Sunday is a good day. Or better yet, I hope it does not come.
It started out strange with a phone call this morning, like pre-dawn early. I am not going to name names here, but suffice it to say the call came from someone close.
Anyways, she said she was coming to town. I knew this was not a good sign. Never this early, I thought. Boy was I right.
Seems her husband, who had cheated on her a while back, had emptied his heart and soul late last night and told her how he truly feels. The two of them have children and for the sake of the kids, and also because this grrrrl really, really loves this person, the two of them had tried working things out, going to a counselor and all.
But it all boiled over last night.
This person who he had been cheating with had been sending him e-mails, texts, had been calling him and had even sent pictures of her to him. He got caught and was cornered with the news, which was news to me and everyone else that knows them. In the months since the first indiscretion, I thought things we going well between the two. Counseling had been going good, the two of them seemed happy, it basically seemed like things were back to normal.
Until this morning.
He told her that he "loved" this other grrrrl. That he was sorry. That he loved her, too.
Well, I have got news for him.... you cannot truly — in its purest sense — say that you love someone when you claim you love someone else.
It is called lust — look it up — not love.
So all day, there have been phone calls and the like and nothing has changed.
I am not sure if he actually realizes what he has and what he is losing. It is a shame. A downright shame.
I sit here on the computer, typing these words and I shake my head and wonder what the heck is really going on.
It has caused me to really look at life and all the things we say to one another. It makes me ponder my relationships — how few they may be — and take a close look at everything that touches my life.
As I write all the time, I am alone. I made a choice to break off a relationship I was in, because I was not happy. I tried to rekindle an old flame, to no avail.
Everything I have been told up to this point makes me hollow at times. I question all I hear and feel, because I wonder if it is really what I feel, if it is really what I want.
At this time, it does not matter. I could shout on the street corner my true feelings and it would not change a thing. It would not make a difference. And I am not sure why. I have yet to hear anything from anyone that makes sense to me.
We have all heard the words, "it's not you, it's me," "you're great, but I just want to be friends," and on and on. But when we open our hearts up to someone and that person gives back, it is the most wonderful feeling. It is indescribable.
There are times we all make mistakes. We have all been hurt, too.
Then there are those who make mistakes and that hurts, as well.
I have written and said that the object of my affection will realize one day who I am and what she has missed out on. Today, I sit here not so sure.
I talk to her — sometimes — and I exchange e-mails and texts — sometimes — and she continues to live her life. It is full and rewarding, she always has something to do and someone to do it with. She apparently has all she needs and wants and I am not part of those grand plans.
That is fine. It is her life. I do not want to be around someone I have to force to be around or with me. As much as it hurts — it really does, all the time — I have realized I am not a part of her life the way I once was, no matter how much she has told me she wants me in her life. Sometimes, actions scream louder than mere words.
So, I have to worry myself with those who need me and want me. As pathetic as I sound sometimes, I do realize what I have to give and offer. I know that I would make someone happier than they ever imagined. It is not going to be who I want it to be right now, but I do not want to her to regret. I do not want her to be sad when I am not there. I am not there now and she is not sad and thinking about me, so I doubt she will think of me then. After all, I am just a quick delete button on her cell phone away from being purged from her life anyway. So I do envision any grieving.
It is all right. It really is. I have been written off before. I have not had my phone calls or texts or e-mails returned before. It is old news from a new grrrrl. I just really do wish that she would have a chance to see what she is missing. I have totally changed, but no one will know without giving me a test drive. But like I wrote earlier, I cannot make someone do what she does not want to do.
Quite honestly, I have too much respect for myself to even try.
But today made me mad, too. It pissed me off quite honestly. While I respect myself, I am still a person. I still long to have someone to talk to, to hold, to spend time with, to grow old with, to have someone to love. And in return, I long to have someone love me, truly love me, to get lost in me and let go.
But while I have a really good job, with a really great 4-year-old son, with a great family, I am alone. I am caring, nurturing, loving, kind, funny, somewhat attractive, intelligent, loyal, down-to-earth and all that, but I still have no one. Sometimes, I feel like I am diseased and used up, like I have nothing to offer someone. I get the sense like I do not matter, at times, like if I did not exist, it would not matter, I would not be missed. And that is painful. It hurts me, at times, and it makes me often wish I was not here to have to wake up each day knowing it will end the same and that the next day will not change. But that is the life I have. It is lonely and depressing and when you do not even have “friends” that tell you they will always be there, then what do you have?
Right now, I am not sure.
But while I have my pity party, I think about today’s news. Here is someone who has a wonderful wife, someone who would go to the ends of the earth for him and he throws it away. And at the same time, here is someone so despicable that he would lust so bad that he would cheat on someone so wonderful.
Here he has two women — TWO — and I have no one.
What is wrong with this picture? Good guy is a leper; bad guy has his pick in women.
I guess I will never know. There is a chance that I am not supposed to know.
But it does add to my sadness and pain. I still do not feel wanted and loved. And I am still alone.
I just hope Sunday is a good day. Or better yet, I hope it does not come.
Friday, October 3, 2008
how big of a loser am i?
please don't answer that. i already know the response.
but as i sit here -- alone -- for like the billionth friday in a row, i have decided to watch "the ex list" on cbs.
i read a review of the show on The New York Times Web site this morning, and i figured since i would be so busy tonight i would never have a chance to watch it.
wow! was i so wrong.
friday night got here and all my wonderful plans fell through. all my phone calls. my texts. my e-mails. everything gone. vanished into thin air.
all the beautiful people who i thought would be spending their evening with me must have gotten sick. like hospital-sick, cause no one could stand to pass up a chance to spend time with me unless they had a really bad case of rickets or scurvy.
so i figured i would watch this show since it is so heterosexual and all.
well it is coming on.
i hope all of you get well soon...
but as i sit here -- alone -- for like the billionth friday in a row, i have decided to watch "the ex list" on cbs.
i read a review of the show on The New York Times Web site this morning, and i figured since i would be so busy tonight i would never have a chance to watch it.
wow! was i so wrong.
friday night got here and all my wonderful plans fell through. all my phone calls. my texts. my e-mails. everything gone. vanished into thin air.
all the beautiful people who i thought would be spending their evening with me must have gotten sick. like hospital-sick, cause no one could stand to pass up a chance to spend time with me unless they had a really bad case of rickets or scurvy.
so i figured i would watch this show since it is so heterosexual and all.
well it is coming on.
i hope all of you get well soon...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A song, a game, a blind date and a lifetime of broken hearts
"My heart is broken,
My love is gone.
I lay without you,
Your pillow cold.
I am forsaken,
I can't go on.
My heart is broken,
My love is gone. ..."
-- Ryan Adams
All day today I could not get that song -- the one I included the opening lyrics to above -- out of my head today. All day.
I walked around, wrote my editorial, took a couple of phone calls, sent a few texts and went to lunch, but even though I was occupied for most of the day, that song haunted me from the moment I woke this morning, around 7 a.m., to as I type this.
I did not get off work until well after 6 p.m., probably closer to 7 actually, and after work I met up with someone.
I had never met this person before, but someone yesterday asked me if I wanted to meet this grrrrl. I told her I was not sure. I have never been on a blind date, although this was not what I would consider a date by any stretch of the imagination. But I told her that I guess I could, I did not have anything better to do.
I wanted to watch the Cubs game, which came on at 5, but I had already agreed to meet her before I found out what time the Cubs-Dodgers game started.
Oh well, my Cubbies got beat and I did get to watch almost all of the game anyway.
But even while I sat at a table and talked to this grrrrl, I could not get the sad, drunken lyrics out of my head.
The line about the pillow being cold, sends chills down my spine every single time I hear that song, and there is no telling how many times I have heard it considering the album, "Jacksonville City Nights" is right at three years old now.
Used to be all I ever listened to was Ryan Adams for quite a while, and before that his old band, Whiskeytown. I about came near wearing out my catalog of discs. I have seen him in concert about 15-20 times solo, and double that on Whiskeytown shows back in the middle 90s. Those were sweet, sweet times.
I had not listened to that song in quite a while before today and I have not figured out why that particular one got stuck in my head. I did not sleep with the radio or tele on last night, so I do not know how that song got planted in my noggin. But it was, from the moment I entered the shower this morning.
And I could not, for the life of me, shake it outta my brain.
Well, by this evening, I figured the distraction of meeting someone new would break me of it. No such luck.
She was nice and all, we had a good time. But all I kept doing was thinking about that song.
Then it hit me -- it is cathartic. It is my heart, soul, body and mind purging me of my past. It is cleansing me of the wrongs I have done and the regrets I have, still. It is a way of purifying me of the dark things, erasing me of what I wish I could take back, the things I wish I could do over, it is making me anew.
I know I must walk straight ahead. I can't look back anymore. What is done is done and I must move on. There will be new beginnings. There will be starting over. But I will never be able to reproduce what is gone and I can't bring back what is dead.
There is a lightness to my head now that is peaceful. The noise I once had, that loud, rumbling sound was just my wants, my lusting, my desires.
It is gone now. I can't have that, I can't get what I want. It might be down the road, it might never return, too, but I can't do anything about that. All I can do is control me and live my life from this day forward.
That song has been replaced by a different tune now. A more "positive" song. I can hear it in my head. There is no noise anymore. Just a soft, lush melody and good memories of who I used to be and who I am again....
Oh, by the way, I will not be going out with this grrrrl. We had a good time, like I said, but she is not my type. And I got the sense I was not her type either.
Oh well, it was worth a shot.
Now if I can just pull my Cubbies through Game 2 tonight it will all be good.
My love is gone.
I lay without you,
Your pillow cold.
I am forsaken,
I can't go on.
My heart is broken,
My love is gone. ..."
-- Ryan Adams
All day today I could not get that song -- the one I included the opening lyrics to above -- out of my head today. All day.
I walked around, wrote my editorial, took a couple of phone calls, sent a few texts and went to lunch, but even though I was occupied for most of the day, that song haunted me from the moment I woke this morning, around 7 a.m., to as I type this.
I did not get off work until well after 6 p.m., probably closer to 7 actually, and after work I met up with someone.
I had never met this person before, but someone yesterday asked me if I wanted to meet this grrrrl. I told her I was not sure. I have never been on a blind date, although this was not what I would consider a date by any stretch of the imagination. But I told her that I guess I could, I did not have anything better to do.
I wanted to watch the Cubs game, which came on at 5, but I had already agreed to meet her before I found out what time the Cubs-Dodgers game started.
Oh well, my Cubbies got beat and I did get to watch almost all of the game anyway.
But even while I sat at a table and talked to this grrrrl, I could not get the sad, drunken lyrics out of my head.
The line about the pillow being cold, sends chills down my spine every single time I hear that song, and there is no telling how many times I have heard it considering the album, "Jacksonville City Nights" is right at three years old now.
Used to be all I ever listened to was Ryan Adams for quite a while, and before that his old band, Whiskeytown. I about came near wearing out my catalog of discs. I have seen him in concert about 15-20 times solo, and double that on Whiskeytown shows back in the middle 90s. Those were sweet, sweet times.
I had not listened to that song in quite a while before today and I have not figured out why that particular one got stuck in my head. I did not sleep with the radio or tele on last night, so I do not know how that song got planted in my noggin. But it was, from the moment I entered the shower this morning.
And I could not, for the life of me, shake it outta my brain.
Well, by this evening, I figured the distraction of meeting someone new would break me of it. No such luck.
She was nice and all, we had a good time. But all I kept doing was thinking about that song.
Then it hit me -- it is cathartic. It is my heart, soul, body and mind purging me of my past. It is cleansing me of the wrongs I have done and the regrets I have, still. It is a way of purifying me of the dark things, erasing me of what I wish I could take back, the things I wish I could do over, it is making me anew.
I know I must walk straight ahead. I can't look back anymore. What is done is done and I must move on. There will be new beginnings. There will be starting over. But I will never be able to reproduce what is gone and I can't bring back what is dead.
There is a lightness to my head now that is peaceful. The noise I once had, that loud, rumbling sound was just my wants, my lusting, my desires.
It is gone now. I can't have that, I can't get what I want. It might be down the road, it might never return, too, but I can't do anything about that. All I can do is control me and live my life from this day forward.
That song has been replaced by a different tune now. A more "positive" song. I can hear it in my head. There is no noise anymore. Just a soft, lush melody and good memories of who I used to be and who I am again....
Oh, by the way, I will not be going out with this grrrrl. We had a good time, like I said, but she is not my type. And I got the sense I was not her type either.
Oh well, it was worth a shot.
Now if I can just pull my Cubbies through Game 2 tonight it will all be good.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
My big date with James?
I am sure you are reading that title and wondering, "Wow! Matthew finally has a date!" Well not so fast, pal.
First off, it is not really a date.
Second...OK there is no second (other than, you really thought I had a date with someone named James?).
To straighten -- no pun intended -- things out, the James I am referring to is Greenville businessman Tim James, who will be in town today (Tuesday, Sept. 30).
James is the son of former Alabama Governor Fob James.
Fob James, for those not familiar with Alabama politics, did something no other lawmaker has ever done in the state's history. When he won his first bid for governor in 1978, Fob James ran as a Democrat. In his second stint as governor, Fob James switched parties, again, winning the governor's race in 1994 as a Republican.
His flip-flopping from party to party was big news in Alabama and it is worth noting that when Fob James first pondered running for governor, he was a Republican, before joining the Democratic ticket and winning the race.
It is interesting to note that when he won the '78 race, Fob James edged another prominent Alabama politician Bill Baxley in the first primary. In the second primary, Fob James easily defeated Baxley, a Democrat, again, and knocked off the Republican candidate Guy Hunt.
A sidenote on Hunt, again for those not familiar with the state's politics. Hunt, after losing the race in '78, did not give up. He held a position in Ronald Reagan's state campaign organization, which kept him at the forefront of Alabama's Republicans.
In 1986, with the support of his party, Hunt won the governor's race after a split in the Democratic Party gave him an advantage. Proving that the '86 election was not a fluke, Hunt was re-elected in 1990, by defeating Alabama Education Association director Paul Hubbert.
Trouble soon followed Hunt throughout his second term. He was charged and found guilty of illegally using campaign and inaugural funds to pay personal debts.
Hunt was removed from office on April 22, 1993.
Lieutenant Governor Jim Folsom, Jr., was sworn in as governor the same day.
You may be asking why did I go into so much background on these other politicians when my "date" was to be with Tim James, son of Fob James?
Well, I am getting to that.
See, today, I get a phone call while I was in my office and the gentleman on the other end introduces himself and lets me know that he is Tim James' campaign manager. I sit there for a second wondering what Tim James wants to do with me -- I mean I could not remember writing an editorial about him or anything.
Well the campaign manager clued me in. Seems Tim James will be in town tonight to speak to the Etowah County Republicans fundraising dinner and since he was going to be in town, would I, the Editorial/Opinion Page Editor want to sit down with the man. I said sure, especially since he is running for governor in 2010.
Should be an interesting time. I have read that Tim James seeks the "Roy Moore" support.
For those of you who do not know Roy Moore, for one, you are probably not from this state, or two, you just do not read a lot of papers.
To fill you in, Judge Roy Moore was in Gadsden and he was best known for the replica of the Ten Commandments hanging in his courtroom. He was ordered to take it down but he would not.
He got so popular with Evangelical Christians that when he ran for the state's Supreme Court he won by a rather hefty margin.
While in Montgomery, Moore continued with the Ten Commandments, only this time it got larger and larger. The iceberg-size display was in the rotunda of the courthouse. Moore fought and fought rulings and appeals, before he was ordered to remove it. It took like two or three crews and numerous lifting and construction machines to do it.
Well, getting back to Tim James, it seems that Tim James thinks that Alabama is made up of about 30 to 40 percent of conservative evangelicals and he is basing his run on that voter bloc to win him the election.
What I might have to tell Tim James today when we are sitting in my office is that it is going to be crowded on the governor's highway to the state Capitol.
I mean, just on the Republican side you have Tim James; State Treasurer Kay Ivey announced her run by dropping a cool $1 million of her own money into her war chest; as mentioned earlier in this Alabama political history lesson was Jim Folson, Jr., who is expected to join the race early next year; and Attorney General Troy King.
Others seeking to take the spot Governor Bob Riley is vacating after fulfilling his term limit are two-year college Chancellor Bradley Byrne; Troy University Chancellor Jack Hawkins; former lieutenant governor candidate Luther Strange; retiring U.S. Rep. Terry Everett; and last, but not least, Mike Hubbard, who is now the state GOP Chairman.
As far as Democrats are concerned, no one has tossed their hat in the ring just yet. But after his performance at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, U.S. Rep. Artur Davis, D-Birmingham, just might have the momentum. He is currently raising funds for a possible run in 2010.
Also too, do not forget Charles Barkley, who has joked about running for governor of his home state for years. Even last year while delivering a speech, Barkley joked about whether he is Republican or Democrat.
Many outsiders might think Barkley is a Democrat, but in the past he has called himself a Republican and has said he is "rich like a Republican."
In this state, there is no telling who will show up and what will happen with politicians and elections.
All I know is that I hope there will be no weirdness or strangeness or freakiness around me today when I talk to one of the many Republican gubernatorial candidates.
First off, it is not really a date.
Second...OK there is no second (other than, you really thought I had a date with someone named James?).
To straighten -- no pun intended -- things out, the James I am referring to is Greenville businessman Tim James, who will be in town today (Tuesday, Sept. 30).
James is the son of former Alabama Governor Fob James.
Fob James, for those not familiar with Alabama politics, did something no other lawmaker has ever done in the state's history. When he won his first bid for governor in 1978, Fob James ran as a Democrat. In his second stint as governor, Fob James switched parties, again, winning the governor's race in 1994 as a Republican.
His flip-flopping from party to party was big news in Alabama and it is worth noting that when Fob James first pondered running for governor, he was a Republican, before joining the Democratic ticket and winning the race.
It is interesting to note that when he won the '78 race, Fob James edged another prominent Alabama politician Bill Baxley in the first primary. In the second primary, Fob James easily defeated Baxley, a Democrat, again, and knocked off the Republican candidate Guy Hunt.
A sidenote on Hunt, again for those not familiar with the state's politics. Hunt, after losing the race in '78, did not give up. He held a position in Ronald Reagan's state campaign organization, which kept him at the forefront of Alabama's Republicans.
In 1986, with the support of his party, Hunt won the governor's race after a split in the Democratic Party gave him an advantage. Proving that the '86 election was not a fluke, Hunt was re-elected in 1990, by defeating Alabama Education Association director Paul Hubbert.
Trouble soon followed Hunt throughout his second term. He was charged and found guilty of illegally using campaign and inaugural funds to pay personal debts.
Hunt was removed from office on April 22, 1993.
Lieutenant Governor Jim Folsom, Jr., was sworn in as governor the same day.
You may be asking why did I go into so much background on these other politicians when my "date" was to be with Tim James, son of Fob James?
Well, I am getting to that.
See, today, I get a phone call while I was in my office and the gentleman on the other end introduces himself and lets me know that he is Tim James' campaign manager. I sit there for a second wondering what Tim James wants to do with me -- I mean I could not remember writing an editorial about him or anything.
Well the campaign manager clued me in. Seems Tim James will be in town tonight to speak to the Etowah County Republicans fundraising dinner and since he was going to be in town, would I, the Editorial/Opinion Page Editor want to sit down with the man. I said sure, especially since he is running for governor in 2010.
Should be an interesting time. I have read that Tim James seeks the "Roy Moore" support.
For those of you who do not know Roy Moore, for one, you are probably not from this state, or two, you just do not read a lot of papers.
To fill you in, Judge Roy Moore was in Gadsden and he was best known for the replica of the Ten Commandments hanging in his courtroom. He was ordered to take it down but he would not.
He got so popular with Evangelical Christians that when he ran for the state's Supreme Court he won by a rather hefty margin.
While in Montgomery, Moore continued with the Ten Commandments, only this time it got larger and larger. The iceberg-size display was in the rotunda of the courthouse. Moore fought and fought rulings and appeals, before he was ordered to remove it. It took like two or three crews and numerous lifting and construction machines to do it.
Well, getting back to Tim James, it seems that Tim James thinks that Alabama is made up of about 30 to 40 percent of conservative evangelicals and he is basing his run on that voter bloc to win him the election.
What I might have to tell Tim James today when we are sitting in my office is that it is going to be crowded on the governor's highway to the state Capitol.
I mean, just on the Republican side you have Tim James; State Treasurer Kay Ivey announced her run by dropping a cool $1 million of her own money into her war chest; as mentioned earlier in this Alabama political history lesson was Jim Folson, Jr., who is expected to join the race early next year; and Attorney General Troy King.
Others seeking to take the spot Governor Bob Riley is vacating after fulfilling his term limit are two-year college Chancellor Bradley Byrne; Troy University Chancellor Jack Hawkins; former lieutenant governor candidate Luther Strange; retiring U.S. Rep. Terry Everett; and last, but not least, Mike Hubbard, who is now the state GOP Chairman.
As far as Democrats are concerned, no one has tossed their hat in the ring just yet. But after his performance at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, U.S. Rep. Artur Davis, D-Birmingham, just might have the momentum. He is currently raising funds for a possible run in 2010.
Also too, do not forget Charles Barkley, who has joked about running for governor of his home state for years. Even last year while delivering a speech, Barkley joked about whether he is Republican or Democrat.
Many outsiders might think Barkley is a Democrat, but in the past he has called himself a Republican and has said he is "rich like a Republican."
In this state, there is no telling who will show up and what will happen with politicians and elections.
All I know is that I hope there will be no weirdness or strangeness or freakiness around me today when I talk to one of the many Republican gubernatorial candidates.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
where has the time gone?
I was cleaning some things out today, getting some stuff reorganized, when I came across some old pictures. I really did not pay them much mind at the time, placed the photos aside and moved on.
That was until later, when I bunped into someone I had not seen since about the time the pictures, I had found earlier in the day in a box in storage, were taken.
That got me playing the "what happened to such-and-such" and "wow! it has been that long?" games we so often play.
The old friend I ran into used to work in the old record shop that I once worked at (it has since long been closed and our sleepy little town is the worse for it, too!). Like I mentioned, it has been quite a while since I had last seen her and running into her was a blast from the past.
We worked together for almost 10 years, but since it closed shop, we have not been in touch. Chances are, unless we happen to bump into each other again, it will probably be as long, if not longer, until we meet again.
It was good to see her and we asked each other the usual questions one would pose after a long hiatus and after working together so close for so long.
After our brief chat, I went on my way. She did the same.
The chance meeting did bring the photos into question, so I got them out again when I arrived home. I studied the photos a little closer and then it hit me! -- time really does fly.
The pictures that were tucked neatly away in box in the garage were taken at my apartment some 15 years ago and while not that distant in my mind, could not be any farther away from where I am personally.
In the photos there are friends that I am still in touch with, there are some that I have not seen in the 15 years since and there is my sister and her boyfriend at the time, which is now her husband.
It made me think about what has transpired in the years since -- I have graduated from college; I started in my first job for the newspaper I now work for; I got married, had a child and got divorced; I have lost the same grrrrl. ... twice; I have moved five times.
Those photos and the chance meeting of an old friend made me think about how little time, and how much time, has passed in just the last three years since my divorce.
It made me realize that it has been dark before. It also showed me that I am still here.
I guess what I am trying to say with all of this is that people come and go and times change, but through it all you stay who you are and you endure.
I may not be living it up and having what I consider the greatest of times right now, but that, too, will pass.
Just like the decade and a half before and after those pictures were taken.
I made a comment to a friend recently that I feel as if I am a leper with this lone existence I have right now.
But I know I am not diseased. I have a lot to offer and I damn near say that some people would kill to be with and know me.
Now, I just have to find those folks.
Cause 15 years is a long time...
That was until later, when I bunped into someone I had not seen since about the time the pictures, I had found earlier in the day in a box in storage, were taken.
That got me playing the "what happened to such-and-such" and "wow! it has been that long?" games we so often play.
The old friend I ran into used to work in the old record shop that I once worked at (it has since long been closed and our sleepy little town is the worse for it, too!). Like I mentioned, it has been quite a while since I had last seen her and running into her was a blast from the past.
We worked together for almost 10 years, but since it closed shop, we have not been in touch. Chances are, unless we happen to bump into each other again, it will probably be as long, if not longer, until we meet again.
It was good to see her and we asked each other the usual questions one would pose after a long hiatus and after working together so close for so long.
After our brief chat, I went on my way. She did the same.
The chance meeting did bring the photos into question, so I got them out again when I arrived home. I studied the photos a little closer and then it hit me! -- time really does fly.
The pictures that were tucked neatly away in box in the garage were taken at my apartment some 15 years ago and while not that distant in my mind, could not be any farther away from where I am personally.
In the photos there are friends that I am still in touch with, there are some that I have not seen in the 15 years since and there is my sister and her boyfriend at the time, which is now her husband.
It made me think about what has transpired in the years since -- I have graduated from college; I started in my first job for the newspaper I now work for; I got married, had a child and got divorced; I have lost the same grrrrl. ... twice; I have moved five times.
Those photos and the chance meeting of an old friend made me think about how little time, and how much time, has passed in just the last three years since my divorce.
It made me realize that it has been dark before. It also showed me that I am still here.
I guess what I am trying to say with all of this is that people come and go and times change, but through it all you stay who you are and you endure.
I may not be living it up and having what I consider the greatest of times right now, but that, too, will pass.
Just like the decade and a half before and after those pictures were taken.
I made a comment to a friend recently that I feel as if I am a leper with this lone existence I have right now.
But I know I am not diseased. I have a lot to offer and I damn near say that some people would kill to be with and know me.
Now, I just have to find those folks.
Cause 15 years is a long time...
Friday, September 26, 2008
i don't understand why i can't get past this
as i sit here on a friday night, what once was a fun night for me a long time ago, i wonder what i am doing with my life.
i am seriously doubting some things this evening and it has nothing to do with a debate, most certainly nothing to do with Obama or McCain.
i sit here on the edge of my chair thinking about my life plans, or, better yet, if i even have any plans.
i thought i did when i was younger. never would i find myself sitting alone on a weekend night. or any night for that matter.
i always had someone to hang out with, or share the time with. hell, i always had someone to talk to, at least.
but, tonight, i have none of those things.
it is not from trying, mind you.
i have sent texts. i have made calls.
for some strange reason, no one has returned my many texts. no one has bothered to ring me back.
so i sit here thinking, "what gives?"
have i really alienated my friends to the point that they can't bear to even talk to me? have i, in the grand scheme of things, made everyone mad?
if that is the case, i am not sure what i have done.
i view myself as one of the nicest people i know. my therapist tells me i am almost too nice, sometimes. he says i should speak my mind more. let people know how i feel.
well, i have tried that. and i have news for him, it has not improved my life. not one bit.
i have bared my soul. got it out there in the open about how i truly feel. professed my deepest feelings for everyone around me.
and here i sit alone.
i have reached a point that i feel like telling my therapist -- the one who is supposed to help me unlock the doors that have impeded my path, my life -- that i was better off before.
i was happier, i think, when i kept things to myself and did not open my heart and soul up.
i also feel that i am somewhat attractive. i mean, i have dated a lot of sexy grrrrls in my time, so i have to be a little attraction there.
right?
i just do not get it. i simply do not understand.
i may not ever comprehend why.
so i sit here and have these random thoughts bounce around my skull like a ping-pong ball, ricocheting through my brain.
and i do it alone.
on a friday.
what used to be one of the better nights of the week....
i am seriously doubting some things this evening and it has nothing to do with a debate, most certainly nothing to do with Obama or McCain.
i sit here on the edge of my chair thinking about my life plans, or, better yet, if i even have any plans.
i thought i did when i was younger. never would i find myself sitting alone on a weekend night. or any night for that matter.
i always had someone to hang out with, or share the time with. hell, i always had someone to talk to, at least.
but, tonight, i have none of those things.
it is not from trying, mind you.
i have sent texts. i have made calls.
for some strange reason, no one has returned my many texts. no one has bothered to ring me back.
so i sit here thinking, "what gives?"
have i really alienated my friends to the point that they can't bear to even talk to me? have i, in the grand scheme of things, made everyone mad?
if that is the case, i am not sure what i have done.
i view myself as one of the nicest people i know. my therapist tells me i am almost too nice, sometimes. he says i should speak my mind more. let people know how i feel.
well, i have tried that. and i have news for him, it has not improved my life. not one bit.
i have bared my soul. got it out there in the open about how i truly feel. professed my deepest feelings for everyone around me.
and here i sit alone.
i have reached a point that i feel like telling my therapist -- the one who is supposed to help me unlock the doors that have impeded my path, my life -- that i was better off before.
i was happier, i think, when i kept things to myself and did not open my heart and soul up.
i also feel that i am somewhat attractive. i mean, i have dated a lot of sexy grrrrls in my time, so i have to be a little attraction there.
right?
i just do not get it. i simply do not understand.
i may not ever comprehend why.
so i sit here and have these random thoughts bounce around my skull like a ping-pong ball, ricocheting through my brain.
and i do it alone.
on a friday.
what used to be one of the better nights of the week....
a new projekt
I posed a group project to some friends one day eating lunch a little while back. One that I believe will not make the frontpage of my daily newspaper, mind you, but one I was serious about.
In a half-joking, half-serious tone, I proposed to the group that a series on dating would make for a informative, interesting read.
I offered to use myself as a centerpiece for the project.
In it, we could look at the difficulties that face a 37-year-old single father in the dating world. We could focus on the lack of prospects, the awkwardness of finding someone and building a relationship with someone else.
I had some positive reactions. I had some blank stares.
There are not many options for someone like me.
I could try the online dating thing.
I decided this was not for me, however.
I could hit the bars.
This too, not for me. I have been there, done that, and what I came up with is that someone who is looking for someone else in a bar setting, would probably wind up doing it again. The alcohol breaks down some inhibitions, but it also screws with judgement and reality and makes a mess of things for most people.
I could try church.
No offense, but I have. And what I found was is if I was looking for someone single older than a grrrrl in college, I would have to date someone already drawing social security. Again, I decided that was not for me.
I have met grrrrls. I have seen grrrrls when I go out. But what I found is that most times — in my hometown, mind you — is that these grrrrls have amputated their hearts, their minds and their souls.
It is quite depressing, actually.
So that leaves me here: alone and with no prospects.
No hope.
So I figured...if there was a series in my newspaper, featuring me, maybe, just maybe, I would find someone. They would come out of hiding, come out into the light and I would find them.
But it is not going to happen. I mean, who am I kidding?
So I am drawn to the fact that I am destined to be alone, forever.
After all, who wants to be with a 37-year-old single father?
In this town, I am finding the answer to be: no one.
In a half-joking, half-serious tone, I proposed to the group that a series on dating would make for a informative, interesting read.
I offered to use myself as a centerpiece for the project.
In it, we could look at the difficulties that face a 37-year-old single father in the dating world. We could focus on the lack of prospects, the awkwardness of finding someone and building a relationship with someone else.
I had some positive reactions. I had some blank stares.
There are not many options for someone like me.
I could try the online dating thing.
I decided this was not for me, however.
I could hit the bars.
This too, not for me. I have been there, done that, and what I came up with is that someone who is looking for someone else in a bar setting, would probably wind up doing it again. The alcohol breaks down some inhibitions, but it also screws with judgement and reality and makes a mess of things for most people.
I could try church.
No offense, but I have. And what I found was is if I was looking for someone single older than a grrrrl in college, I would have to date someone already drawing social security. Again, I decided that was not for me.
I have met grrrrls. I have seen grrrrls when I go out. But what I found is that most times — in my hometown, mind you — is that these grrrrls have amputated their hearts, their minds and their souls.
It is quite depressing, actually.
So that leaves me here: alone and with no prospects.
No hope.
So I figured...if there was a series in my newspaper, featuring me, maybe, just maybe, I would find someone. They would come out of hiding, come out into the light and I would find them.
But it is not going to happen. I mean, who am I kidding?
So I am drawn to the fact that I am destined to be alone, forever.
After all, who wants to be with a 37-year-old single father?
In this town, I am finding the answer to be: no one.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
a little clarification is in order, me thinks
I feel I must explain myself after my last rant, in order to clear some things up. It is more for my well-being than anything else. After all, no one reads this anyway.
I said earlier that I, in other words, am alone. I wrote to explain my craving for someone and it was rather open-ended.
I know how I still feel about someone, how I will always feel about this person and how I long to still be with this person.
But she has made it clear she does not see me that way.
I am her friend, still, even though I know -- and to a certain extent, she does, too -- how I feel about her; how I am attracted to her more than anyone I have met in my entire life. I explained all her superior qualities that attract me to her. She is without flaw. I wrote she is perfect.
She is. She always will be.
I worship her, the ground she walks on. I admire her, too. In other words, I am deeply in love with my best friend.
I would give the world to have her back if for just a second. To feel her again, hold her again, have her look at me the way she once did, to know she felt the same about me and there was no one -- with exception of the boys -- on this planet. Just us. Forever.
I said those things to show my devotion to her.
To show my love.
What I failed to say is that I just will not settle for anyone.
I left a relationship, to someone who wanted to be with me, because I did not love her. I love my friend that I wrote about previously. I told them both who I wanted to be with.
So see, I am not alone, alone.
I am by myself, because the one I love does not return the same affection. It is not reciprocal.
I have had other grrrrlfriends. As I wrote, I have had a wife.
I just want someone who does not want me back.
I am not bitter, or angry. I do not hold it against her, after all, I do consider her my best friend.
I hurt her. I broke her heart. She told me this. And that broke my heart.
There is the old saying, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone."
Well, I knew what I had when I had it. I just see it clearer now.
Also, I do not depend on others to make me happy. I make myself happy. I am not co-dependant. I do just fine by myself.
No, this is an emotion, this is my love, my heart and soul.
I have told myself that I will never get it back. I know that.
But it does not heal the pain. The hurt is still there.
You know, I figured after I got out of the hospital and got well that everything in my life would just line right up.
I thought that straightening myself up, living right, everything would be OK.
I was wrong.
I had someone who was right and I turned my back on her.
I guess it is just like a clock. I have spent my time in the sunshine.
Because of what I have done in my life, hurt those who love me, been a bad person, it is time for me to walk in the dark.
I do not know how long it will last. I hope it is not long.
But all the things I have done in my life, all the harm I have done, hurt people so bad, that maybe it will last forever.
Hmmm....Karma.
Go figure?
I was driving around tonight, after I wrote my first blog of the evening, trying to clear my head.
Trying to allieviate bordom.
I heard a few songs while driving through town.
One, by Coldplay, really hit me:
"In my place, in my place,
Were lines that I couldn't change,
I was lost, oh yeah.
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed ,
I was lost, oh yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?"
It really drove all these thoughts and emotions home. I made me turn around and come home. It made me sad.
Second, the song I heard was by a band called Cross Canadian Ragweed. I had heard a few other songs by them, and had heard they are really good live.
Well, the song I heard reminded me of all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, though I promised I would just keep to myself.
The song also reminded me of home:
"She said maybe I miss your lovin.
Maybe I miss your kiss just a little bit.
Maybe I miss your body lyin’ right next to mine,
Maybe I miss your touch a little too much...
They talked about Savannah,
Sweet home Alabama,
And how he missed the way she always smiled.
Are you coming back soon,
By the Harvest moon,
If I have to walk every mile on my knees."
Like I have written before, I live in Alabama, was raised in Alabama and will probably die in Alabama. I have been to lots of places and other countries, but home is home.
Well, I just felt that I needed to straighten some things out before someone read them and got the wrong idea.
Hope I did.
And if you are reading this, I did not say them, I wrote them.
I kept my promise.
I said earlier that I, in other words, am alone. I wrote to explain my craving for someone and it was rather open-ended.
I know how I still feel about someone, how I will always feel about this person and how I long to still be with this person.
But she has made it clear she does not see me that way.
I am her friend, still, even though I know -- and to a certain extent, she does, too -- how I feel about her; how I am attracted to her more than anyone I have met in my entire life. I explained all her superior qualities that attract me to her. She is without flaw. I wrote she is perfect.
She is. She always will be.
I worship her, the ground she walks on. I admire her, too. In other words, I am deeply in love with my best friend.
I would give the world to have her back if for just a second. To feel her again, hold her again, have her look at me the way she once did, to know she felt the same about me and there was no one -- with exception of the boys -- on this planet. Just us. Forever.I said those things to show my devotion to her.
To show my love.
What I failed to say is that I just will not settle for anyone.
I left a relationship, to someone who wanted to be with me, because I did not love her. I love my friend that I wrote about previously. I told them both who I wanted to be with.
So see, I am not alone, alone.
I am by myself, because the one I love does not return the same affection. It is not reciprocal.
I have had other grrrrlfriends. As I wrote, I have had a wife.
I just want someone who does not want me back.
I am not bitter, or angry. I do not hold it against her, after all, I do consider her my best friend.
I hurt her. I broke her heart. She told me this. And that broke my heart.
There is the old saying, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone."
Well, I knew what I had when I had it. I just see it clearer now.
Also, I do not depend on others to make me happy. I make myself happy. I am not co-dependant. I do just fine by myself.
No, this is an emotion, this is my love, my heart and soul.
I have told myself that I will never get it back. I know that.
But it does not heal the pain. The hurt is still there.
You know, I figured after I got out of the hospital and got well that everything in my life would just line right up.
I thought that straightening myself up, living right, everything would be OK.
I was wrong.
I had someone who was right and I turned my back on her.
I guess it is just like a clock. I have spent my time in the sunshine.
Because of what I have done in my life, hurt those who love me, been a bad person, it is time for me to walk in the dark.
I do not know how long it will last. I hope it is not long.
But all the things I have done in my life, all the harm I have done, hurt people so bad, that maybe it will last forever.
Hmmm....Karma.
Go figure?
I was driving around tonight, after I wrote my first blog of the evening, trying to clear my head.
Trying to allieviate bordom.
I heard a few songs while driving through town.
One, by Coldplay, really hit me:
"In my place, in my place,
Were lines that I couldn't change,
I was lost, oh yeah.
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed ,
I was lost, oh yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?"
It really drove all these thoughts and emotions home. I made me turn around and come home. It made me sad.
Second, the song I heard was by a band called Cross Canadian Ragweed. I had heard a few other songs by them, and had heard they are really good live.
Well, the song I heard reminded me of all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, though I promised I would just keep to myself.
The song also reminded me of home:
"She said maybe I miss your lovin.
Maybe I miss your kiss just a little bit.
Maybe I miss your body lyin’ right next to mine,
Maybe I miss your touch a little too much...
They talked about Savannah,
Sweet home Alabama,
And how he missed the way she always smiled.
Are you coming back soon,
By the Harvest moon,
If I have to walk every mile on my knees."
Like I have written before, I live in Alabama, was raised in Alabama and will probably die in Alabama. I have been to lots of places and other countries, but home is home.
Well, I just felt that I needed to straighten some things out before someone read them and got the wrong idea.
Hope I did.
And if you are reading this, I did not say them, I wrote them.
I kept my promise.
where am i going?
I am not sure where this is going to end up, I have a lot on my mind. If you are reading this and you prefer to have structure to what you read, you might want to turn away right now to save you the discomfort.
For those of you who do not mind a little misdirection and rambling, this could be for you.
Either way, there will probably be no one reading, so in all, this will probably end up being just a free, in-the-comfort-of-my-home therapy session.
Yay!
First off, I miss my son with all my heart.
For those of you who do not know me, I was married over seven years ago to my long-time sweetheart. We stayed married for almost five years before it ended in divorce. Out of this union came my wonderful 4-year-old son.
Where I live now is about 30 minutes away from where I lived when I was married. I work here and travelled back and forth to work every day. After the divorce, I just moved back here, to the town I grew up in. My ex-wife and son stayed there in my former home.
That was over two years ago.
This summer, my ex-wife got remarried to a nice guy. He seems to treat her and my son very well. Problem is, he lives almost two hours away in Atlanta. After their marriage, my ex-wife and son moved in with him in the Atlanta suburbs.
I miss my son very, very much (or this much, as my son says with arms outstretched). He is my life. I talk to him daily, often multiple times. My ex-wife and I remain cordial, so that allows me and my son certain aspects to our relationship that other divorced fathers do not have with their children. I am lucky for this. I am lucky that my ex-wife understands the importance -- not only to me, but also my son -- of my son and I staying as close as we can.
But here recently, my son speaks of wanting to live with me. There have been times where he has called me, crying, wanting to be with me, to live with me. My ex-wife does not say anything about it. She does not get upset, she does not get angry.
My issue is that I do want my son living with me. I want to be around him every minute of every day. I comprehend that this is not possible, even if he did live with me. I have to work, my son has to go to school. But not having him with me, and even more so when he gets upset, is getting to me. I do not plant thoughts in his head, I do not encourage him to say the things he does, or act the way he does. He sincerely wants to be with me.
I hope eventually he is with me. But even if he never lives with me again, I will not love him any less, I will not act differently. I will cherish the weekends he is with me every other week. I will love him with all my heart, always.
That gets me to my next thought.
My ex-wife has someone in her life now. I hope for her, this time it works out for her. I hope she is truly happy, that it is all she ever dreamed of and that the two of them are together for the rest of their lives.
Her having that love and someone to share her life with is great. If I am not allowed to have my son in my life every day, I wish there would be that person in my life that made everything complete.
I want those butterflies in my stomach when I see her. That warm feeling when I touch her. The smiles and laughter. Someone to talk to about everything. Someone who is there for me, like I am for her.
I had all those things. I let her go. I allowed something else to become more important. I can't change that. I can't go back in time and correct those mistakes. I wish I could. I think about her all the time. I have a hard time thinking about anything but her and my son. She is always in my mind. She will always live in my heart.
She remains my best friend. I hope she always is. I only want the best for her. She deserves it. She deserves to have everything she wants and desires. She deserves to be happy.
I told her once that I would not talk about my feelings for her anymore. I have done a good job keeping that promise. I love her too much to not be true to her. I let my heart, mind and soul get clouded once. It obstructed my devotion and truth to her. I will pay for that mistake the rest of my life.
Like I wrote before, I do attend therapy. It helps me stay grounded and focused.
Sometimes, I do get off track. I let my mind and heart wonder. I get lost in her sometimes. Usually, I am quick to right my course. I keep my mouth shut and my feelings restrained. After all, who would want a friend, or someone hanging around, who all he does is go on and on about how he loves you and wants to be with you? I do not know too many people who would.
So I write, write and write. I work non-stop. I push myself to find things to keep me occupied, to keep me sane.
It is hard work sometimes.
Like I said, I see her regularly, I talk to her daily, often multiple times. I remember the good times. I remember just talking to her and holding her. We did not go on amazing expeditions, we were not crazy, we did simple things. It was the most amazing year of my life.
I have told her this and it is so true, I have never felt the way I feel for her. It is the most amazing experience I have ever had with a woman.
I still feel that way. I guess I always will.
What I have figured out is that I am never going to hold her again. I will never get to experience the things I did. I am not going to have her to share my life with again, other than as my friend.
She is the most amazing person I have ever met. Her sense of humor slays me. She is smart and witty. She is kind and loving. She teaches and she nurtures. She is neither controlling or distant. She has just the right touch. She is compassionate, but firm. She is so sexy, but also the perfect grrrrl to bring home to meet your family.
I used the right adjective for her already -- perfect.
I could go on for days about her, but I am going to quit this exercise now.
I just had to get these thoughts and images out of my head. Did not work, but it is better than hiding in my bed watching the ceiling fan, wondering what her and my son are doing and if they are thinking of me.
I have come to the conclusion no one thinks of me.
That is why I am alone.
That is why I am pathetically lost.
Never to be found again...
For those of you who do not mind a little misdirection and rambling, this could be for you.
Either way, there will probably be no one reading, so in all, this will probably end up being just a free, in-the-comfort-of-my-home therapy session.
Yay!
First off, I miss my son with all my heart.
For those of you who do not know me, I was married over seven years ago to my long-time sweetheart. We stayed married for almost five years before it ended in divorce. Out of this union came my wonderful 4-year-old son.
Where I live now is about 30 minutes away from where I lived when I was married. I work here and travelled back and forth to work every day. After the divorce, I just moved back here, to the town I grew up in. My ex-wife and son stayed there in my former home.
That was over two years ago.
This summer, my ex-wife got remarried to a nice guy. He seems to treat her and my son very well. Problem is, he lives almost two hours away in Atlanta. After their marriage, my ex-wife and son moved in with him in the Atlanta suburbs.
I miss my son very, very much (or this much, as my son says with arms outstretched). He is my life. I talk to him daily, often multiple times. My ex-wife and I remain cordial, so that allows me and my son certain aspects to our relationship that other divorced fathers do not have with their children. I am lucky for this. I am lucky that my ex-wife understands the importance -- not only to me, but also my son -- of my son and I staying as close as we can.
But here recently, my son speaks of wanting to live with me. There have been times where he has called me, crying, wanting to be with me, to live with me. My ex-wife does not say anything about it. She does not get upset, she does not get angry.
My issue is that I do want my son living with me. I want to be around him every minute of every day. I comprehend that this is not possible, even if he did live with me. I have to work, my son has to go to school. But not having him with me, and even more so when he gets upset, is getting to me. I do not plant thoughts in his head, I do not encourage him to say the things he does, or act the way he does. He sincerely wants to be with me.
I hope eventually he is with me. But even if he never lives with me again, I will not love him any less, I will not act differently. I will cherish the weekends he is with me every other week. I will love him with all my heart, always.
That gets me to my next thought.
My ex-wife has someone in her life now. I hope for her, this time it works out for her. I hope she is truly happy, that it is all she ever dreamed of and that the two of them are together for the rest of their lives.
Her having that love and someone to share her life with is great. If I am not allowed to have my son in my life every day, I wish there would be that person in my life that made everything complete.
I want those butterflies in my stomach when I see her. That warm feeling when I touch her. The smiles and laughter. Someone to talk to about everything. Someone who is there for me, like I am for her.
I had all those things. I let her go. I allowed something else to become more important. I can't change that. I can't go back in time and correct those mistakes. I wish I could. I think about her all the time. I have a hard time thinking about anything but her and my son. She is always in my mind. She will always live in my heart.
She remains my best friend. I hope she always is. I only want the best for her. She deserves it. She deserves to have everything she wants and desires. She deserves to be happy.
I told her once that I would not talk about my feelings for her anymore. I have done a good job keeping that promise. I love her too much to not be true to her. I let my heart, mind and soul get clouded once. It obstructed my devotion and truth to her. I will pay for that mistake the rest of my life.
Like I wrote before, I do attend therapy. It helps me stay grounded and focused.
Sometimes, I do get off track. I let my mind and heart wonder. I get lost in her sometimes. Usually, I am quick to right my course. I keep my mouth shut and my feelings restrained. After all, who would want a friend, or someone hanging around, who all he does is go on and on about how he loves you and wants to be with you? I do not know too many people who would.
So I write, write and write. I work non-stop. I push myself to find things to keep me occupied, to keep me sane.
It is hard work sometimes.
Like I said, I see her regularly, I talk to her daily, often multiple times. I remember the good times. I remember just talking to her and holding her. We did not go on amazing expeditions, we were not crazy, we did simple things. It was the most amazing year of my life.
I have told her this and it is so true, I have never felt the way I feel for her. It is the most amazing experience I have ever had with a woman.
I still feel that way. I guess I always will.
What I have figured out is that I am never going to hold her again. I will never get to experience the things I did. I am not going to have her to share my life with again, other than as my friend.
She is the most amazing person I have ever met. Her sense of humor slays me. She is smart and witty. She is kind and loving. She teaches and she nurtures. She is neither controlling or distant. She has just the right touch. She is compassionate, but firm. She is so sexy, but also the perfect grrrrl to bring home to meet your family.
I used the right adjective for her already -- perfect.
I could go on for days about her, but I am going to quit this exercise now.
I just had to get these thoughts and images out of my head. Did not work, but it is better than hiding in my bed watching the ceiling fan, wondering what her and my son are doing and if they are thinking of me.
I have come to the conclusion no one thinks of me.
That is why I am alone.
That is why I am pathetically lost.
Never to be found again...
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