where am i going?

I am not sure where this is going to end up, I have a lot on my mind. If you are reading this and you prefer to have structure to what you read, you might want to turn away right now to save you the discomfort.
For those of you who do not mind a little misdirection and rambling, this could be for you.
Either way, there will probably be no one reading, so in all, this will probably end up being just a free, in-the-comfort-of-my-home therapy session.
Yay!
First off, I miss my son with all my heart.
For those of you who do not know me, I was married over seven years ago to my long-time sweetheart. We stayed married for almost five years before it ended in divorce. Out of this union came my wonderful 4-year-old son.
Where I live now is about 30 minutes away from where I lived when I was married. I work here and travelled back and forth to work every day. After the divorce, I just moved back here, to the town I grew up in. My ex-wife and son stayed there in my former home.
That was over two years ago.
This summer, my ex-wife got remarried to a nice guy. He seems to treat her and my son very well. Problem is, he lives almost two hours away in Atlanta. After their marriage, my ex-wife and son moved in with him in the Atlanta suburbs.
I miss my son very, very much (or this much, as my son says with arms outstretched). He is my life. I talk to him daily, often multiple times. My ex-wife and I remain cordial, so that allows me and my son certain aspects to our relationship that other divorced fathers do not have with their children. I am lucky for this. I am lucky that my ex-wife understands the importance -- not only to me, but also my son -- of my son and I staying as close as we can.
But here recently, my son speaks of wanting to live with me. There have been times where he has called me, crying, wanting to be with me, to live with me. My ex-wife does not say anything about it. She does not get upset, she does not get angry.
My issue is that I do want my son living with me. I want to be around him every minute of every day. I comprehend that this is not possible, even if he did live with me. I have to work, my son has to go to school. But not having him with me, and even more so when he gets upset, is getting to me. I do not plant thoughts in his head, I do not encourage him to say the things he does, or act the way he does. He sincerely wants to be with me.
I hope eventually he is with me. But even if he never lives with me again, I will not love him any less, I will not act differently. I will cherish the weekends he is with me every other week. I will love him with all my heart, always.
That gets me to my next thought.
My ex-wife has someone in her life now. I hope for her, this time it works out for her. I hope she is truly happy, that it is all she ever dreamed of and that the two of them are together for the rest of their lives.
Her having that love and someone to share her life with is great. If I am not allowed to have my son in my life every day, I wish there would be that person in my life that made everything complete.
I want those butterflies in my stomach when I see her. That warm feeling when I touch her. The smiles and laughter. Someone to talk to about everything. Someone who is there for me, like I am for her.
I had all those things. I let her go. I allowed something else to become more important. I can't change that. I can't go back in time and correct those mistakes. I wish I could. I think about her all the time. I have a hard time thinking about anything but her and my son. She is always in my mind. She will always live in my heart.
She remains my best friend. I hope she always is. I only want the best for her. She deserves it. She deserves to have everything she wants and desires. She deserves to be happy.
I told her once that I would not talk about my feelings for her anymore. I have done a good job keeping that promise. I love her too much to not be true to her. I let my heart, mind and soul get clouded once. It obstructed my devotion and truth to her. I will pay for that mistake the rest of my life.
Like I wrote before, I do attend therapy. It helps me stay grounded and focused.
Sometimes, I do get off track. I let my mind and heart wonder. I get lost in her sometimes. Usually, I am quick to right my course. I keep my mouth shut and my feelings restrained. After all, who would want a friend, or someone hanging around, who all he does is go on and on about how he loves you and wants to be with you? I do not know too many people who would.
So I write, write and write. I work non-stop. I push myself to find things to keep me occupied, to keep me sane.
It is hard work sometimes.
Like I said, I see her regularly, I talk to her daily, often multiple times. I remember the good times. I remember just talking to her and holding her. We did not go on amazing expeditions, we were not crazy, we did simple things. It was the most amazing year of my life.
I have told her this and it is so true, I have never felt the way I feel for her. It is the most amazing experience I have ever had with a woman.
I still feel that way. I guess I always will.
What I have figured out is that I am never going to hold her again. I will never get to experience the things I did. I am not going to have her to share my life with again, other than as my friend.
She is the most amazing person I have ever met. Her sense of humor slays me. She is smart and witty. She is kind and loving. She teaches and she nurtures. She is neither controlling or distant. She has just the right touch. She is compassionate, but firm. She is so sexy, but also the perfect grrrrl to bring home to meet your family.
I used the right adjective for her already -- perfect.
I could go on for days about her, but I am going to quit this exercise now.
I just had to get these thoughts and images out of my head. Did not work, but it is better than hiding in my bed watching the ceiling fan, wondering what her and my son are doing and if they are thinking of me.
I have come to the conclusion no one thinks of me.
That is why I am alone.
That is why I am pathetically lost.
Never to be found again...