what a wonderful web we weave...

I can honestly say this has been one of the most — EAR MUFFS!!! — f***ed up days I have had in ages. And I can honestly say I had nothing to do with it, which is rather surprising, considering my way of screwing things up for so many people, including myself.
It started out strange with a phone call this morning, like pre-dawn early. I am not going to name names here, but suffice it to say the call came from someone close.
Anyways, she said she was coming to town. I knew this was not a good sign. Never this early, I thought. Boy was I right.
Seems her husband, who had cheated on her a while back, had emptied his heart and soul late last night and told her how he truly feels. The two of them have children and for the sake of the kids, and also because this grrrrl really, really loves this person, the two of them had tried working things out, going to a counselor and all.
But it all boiled over last night.
This person who he had been cheating with had been sending him e-mails, texts, had been calling him and had even sent pictures of her to him. He got caught and was cornered with the news, which was news to me and everyone else that knows them. In the months since the first indiscretion, I thought things we going well between the two. Counseling had been going good, the two of them seemed happy, it basically seemed like things were back to normal.
Until this morning.
He told her that he "loved" this other grrrrl. That he was sorry. That he loved her, too.
Well, I have got news for him.... you cannot truly — in its purest sense — say that you love someone when you claim you love someone else.
It is called lust — look it up — not love.
So all day, there have been phone calls and the like and nothing has changed.
I am not sure if he actually realizes what he has and what he is losing. It is a shame. A downright shame.
I sit here on the computer, typing these words and I shake my head and wonder what the heck is really going on.
It has caused me to really look at life and all the things we say to one another. It makes me ponder my relationships — how few they may be — and take a close look at everything that touches my life.
As I write all the time, I am alone. I made a choice to break off a relationship I was in, because I was not happy. I tried to rekindle an old flame, to no avail.
Everything I have been told up to this point makes me hollow at times. I question all I hear and feel, because I wonder if it is really what I feel, if it is really what I want.
At this time, it does not matter. I could shout on the street corner my true feelings and it would not change a thing. It would not make a difference. And I am not sure why. I have yet to hear anything from anyone that makes sense to me.
We have all heard the words, "it's not you, it's me," "you're great, but I just want to be friends," and on and on. But when we open our hearts up to someone and that person gives back, it is the most wonderful feeling. It is indescribable.
There are times we all make mistakes. We have all been hurt, too.
Then there are those who make mistakes and that hurts, as well.
I have written and said that the object of my affection will realize one day who I am and what she has missed out on. Today, I sit here not so sure.
I talk to her — sometimes — and I exchange e-mails and texts — sometimes — and she continues to live her life. It is full and rewarding, she always has something to do and someone to do it with. She apparently has all she needs and wants and I am not part of those grand plans.
That is fine. It is her life. I do not want to be around someone I have to force to be around or with me. As much as it hurts — it really does, all the time — I have realized I am not a part of her life the way I once was, no matter how much she has told me she wants me in her life. Sometimes, actions scream louder than mere words.
So, I have to worry myself with those who need me and want me. As pathetic as I sound sometimes, I do realize what I have to give and offer. I know that I would make someone happier than they ever imagined. It is not going to be who I want it to be right now, but I do not want to her to regret. I do not want her to be sad when I am not there. I am not there now and she is not sad and thinking about me, so I doubt she will think of me then. After all, I am just a quick delete button on her cell phone away from being purged from her life anyway. So I do envision any grieving.
It is all right. It really is. I have been written off before. I have not had my phone calls or texts or e-mails returned before. It is old news from a new grrrrl. I just really do wish that she would have a chance to see what she is missing. I have totally changed, but no one will know without giving me a test drive. But like I wrote earlier, I cannot make someone do what she does not want to do.
Quite honestly, I have too much respect for myself to even try.
But today made me mad, too. It pissed me off quite honestly. While I respect myself, I am still a person. I still long to have someone to talk to, to hold, to spend time with, to grow old with, to have someone to love. And in return, I long to have someone love me, truly love me, to get lost in me and let go.
But while I have a really good job, with a really great 4-year-old son, with a great family, I am alone. I am caring, nurturing, loving, kind, funny, somewhat attractive, intelligent, loyal, down-to-earth and all that, but I still have no one. Sometimes, I feel like I am diseased and used up, like I have nothing to offer someone. I get the sense like I do not matter, at times, like if I did not exist, it would not matter, I would not be missed. And that is painful. It hurts me, at times, and it makes me often wish I was not here to have to wake up each day knowing it will end the same and that the next day will not change. But that is the life I have. It is lonely and depressing and when you do not even have “friends” that tell you they will always be there, then what do you have?
Right now, I am not sure.
But while I have my pity party, I think about today’s news. Here is someone who has a wonderful wife, someone who would go to the ends of the earth for him and he throws it away. And at the same time, here is someone so despicable that he would lust so bad that he would cheat on someone so wonderful.
Here he has two women — TWO — and I have no one.
What is wrong with this picture? Good guy is a leper; bad guy has his pick in women.
I guess I will never know. There is a chance that I am not supposed to know.
But it does add to my sadness and pain. I still do not feel wanted and loved. And I am still alone.
I just hope Sunday is a good day. Or better yet, I hope it does not come.