as i sit here on a friday night, what once was a fun night for me a long time ago, i wonder what i am doing with my life.
i am seriously doubting some things this evening and it has nothing to do with a debate, most certainly nothing to do with Obama or McCain.
i sit here on the edge of my chair thinking about my life plans, or, better yet, if i even have any plans.
i thought i did when i was younger. never would i find myself sitting alone on a weekend night. or any night for that matter.
i always had someone to hang out with, or share the time with. hell, i always had someone to talk to, at least.
but, tonight, i have none of those things.
it is not from trying, mind you.
i have sent texts. i have made calls.
for some strange reason, no one has returned my many texts. no one has bothered to ring me back.
so i sit here thinking, "what gives?"
have i really alienated my friends to the point that they can't bear to even talk to me? have i, in the grand scheme of things, made everyone mad?
if that is the case, i am not sure what i have done.
i view myself as one of the nicest people i know. my therapist tells me i am almost too nice, sometimes. he says i should speak my mind more. let people know how i feel.
well, i have tried that. and i have news for him, it has not improved my life. not one bit.
i have bared my soul. got it out there in the open about how i truly feel. professed my deepest feelings for everyone around me.
and here i sit alone.
i have reached a point that i feel like telling my therapist -- the one who is supposed to help me unlock the doors that have impeded my path, my life -- that i was better off before.
i was happier, i think, when i kept things to myself and did not open my heart and soul up.
i also feel that i am somewhat attractive. i mean, i have dated a lot of sexy grrrrls in my time, so i have to be a little attraction there.
right?
i just do not get it. i simply do not understand.
i may not ever comprehend why.
so i sit here and have these random thoughts bounce around my skull like a ping-pong ball, ricocheting through my brain.
and i do it alone.
on a friday.
what used to be one of the better nights of the week....
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1 comment:
Could it be that you have shut everyone out without knowing it? Burning bridges along the way and leaving hurt in your wake? Have you truly been left alone or are you only alone because you aren't with the one you want to be with?
What if you were to try to mend some of those burned bridges? Would you still be alone? Have you made your apologies to those that you say you have hurt along the way?
Maybe it is time to start making amends. Surely there are some old friends out there that you hurt at some time but you have not taken the time to let them know that you are a 'better' you now.
If you truly were as 'bad' as you say you were as a son, brother, father, or friend maybe there is still some mending to be done.
Best to you
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