A song, a game, a blind date and a lifetime of broken hearts

"My heart is broken,
My love is gone.
I lay without you,
Your pillow cold.
I am forsaken,
I can't go on.
My heart is broken,
My love is gone. ..."
-- Ryan Adams

All day today I could not get that song -- the one I included the opening lyrics to above -- out of my head today. All day.
I walked around, wrote my editorial, took a couple of phone calls, sent a few texts and went to lunch, but even though I was occupied for most of the day, that song haunted me from the moment I woke this morning, around 7 a.m., to as I type this.
I did not get off work until well after 6 p.m., probably closer to 7 actually, and after work I met up with someone.
I had never met this person before, but someone yesterday asked me if I wanted to meet this grrrrl. I told her I was not sure. I have never been on a blind date, although this was not what I would consider a date by any stretch of the imagination. But I told her that I guess I could, I did not have anything better to do.
I wanted to watch the Cubs game, which came on at 5, but I had already agreed to meet her before I found out what time the Cubs-Dodgers game started.
Oh well, my Cubbies got beat and I did get to watch almost all of the game anyway.
But even while I sat at a table and talked to this grrrrl, I could not get the sad, drunken lyrics out of my head.
The line about the pillow being cold, sends chills down my spine every single time I hear that song, and there is no telling how many times I have heard it considering the album, "Jacksonville City Nights" is right at three years old now.
Used to be all I ever listened to was Ryan Adams for quite a while, and before that his old band, Whiskeytown. I about came near wearing out my catalog of discs. I have seen him in concert about 15-20 times solo, and double that on Whiskeytown shows back in the middle 90s. Those were sweet, sweet times.
I had not listened to that song in quite a while before today and I have not figured out why that particular one got stuck in my head. I did not sleep with the radio or tele on last night, so I do not know how that song got planted in my noggin. But it was, from the moment I entered the shower this morning.
And I could not, for the life of me, shake it outta my brain.
Well, by this evening, I figured the distraction of meeting someone new would break me of it. No such luck.
She was nice and all, we had a good time. But all I kept doing was thinking about that song.
Then it hit me -- it is cathartic. It is my heart, soul, body and mind purging me of my past. It is cleansing me of the wrongs I have done and the regrets I have, still. It is a way of purifying me of the dark things, erasing me of what I wish I could take back, the things I wish I could do over, it is making me anew.
I know I must walk straight ahead. I can't look back anymore. What is done is done and I must move on. There will be new beginnings. There will be starting over. But I will never be able to reproduce what is gone and I can't bring back what is dead.
There is a lightness to my head now that is peaceful. The noise I once had, that loud, rumbling sound was just my wants, my lusting, my desires.
It is gone now. I can't have that, I can't get what I want. It might be down the road, it might never return, too, but I can't do anything about that. All I can do is control me and live my life from this day forward.
That song has been replaced by a different tune now. A more "positive" song. I can hear it in my head. There is no noise anymore. Just a soft, lush melody and good memories of who I used to be and who I am again....


Oh, by the way, I will not be going out with this grrrrl. We had a good time, like I said, but she is not my type. And I got the sense I was not her type either.
Oh well, it was worth a shot.
Now if I can just pull my Cubbies through Game 2 tonight it will all be good.