Nothing ever changes in the hood

I went out last night, thinking that the different scenery would change the pattern of thought in my tired brain. It did not happen and I have only one person to blame for that — me.
The night of social drinking and a feeble attempt at connection only exasperated my emotions and feelings.
At 1 a.m. I continued my broken promises to someone I care about deeply.
After that, I just went home to sleep. But that too was a feeble attempt.
I tossed and turned, thinking about the night. I wondered if others were doing the same, but I knew, deep down, that they were soundly sleeping.
My dreams are not the same as others. My goals are not shared.
I often throw darts at the board, hoping someday, just one will stick. It is futile and hopeless, but the hopeless romantic in me chooses to be blind to obvious truth.
I attempt to spark some hope so often that I miss the fire all around me.
It will probably continue, although I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut.
But that, too, makes me wonder if opening my mouth would make things different? Would throwing it all out there make a change?
I resign myself to the belief that it would not. Most likely, it would make things worse.
Like I have written before, if someone wants something, they will go and get it. But too often, I try to hand it to them and, in turn, create unnecessary pain for myself.
I tell myself, this has got to stop. But I continue on. Maybe I am into the self-torture thing? Maybe I like the pain and hurt when I cannot be with the one I love?
But if the one I love does not want to be with me, why push it? Why make things worse? Because I love her, plain and simple.
I always will.
I, again, tell myself that I will not say anything, I will not push the issue.
But tomorrow is Monday and it is the start of a new week.
I wonder what it will bring? What new revelations will come with it?
Probably more of the same — another week of me trying and another week of me hurting myself.
Hopefully, the cycle will end one day. Hopefully, I will learn my lesson.
But as long as the chance is there, I will not rest on what I had. I will press on toward the future. No matter what that day will hold.
I hope it will hold us together, but if it does not, it will not change what I hope to be and strive to be.
I just hope she is listening….