a little clarification is in order, me thinks

I feel I must explain myself after my last rant, in order to clear some things up. It is more for my well-being than anything else. After all, no one reads this anyway.
I said earlier that I, in other words, am alone. I wrote to explain my craving for someone and it was rather open-ended.
I know how I still feel about someone, how I will always feel about this person and how I long to still be with this person.
But she has made it clear she does not see me that way.
I am her friend, still, even though I know -- and to a certain extent, she does, too -- how I feel about her; how I am attracted to her more than anyone I have met in my entire life. I explained all her superior qualities that attract me to her. She is without flaw. I wrote she is perfect.
She is. She always will be.
I worship her, the ground she walks on. I admire her, too. In other words, I am deeply in love with my best friend. I would give the world to have her back if for just a second. To feel her again, hold her again, have her look at me the way she once did, to know she felt the same about me and there was no one -- with exception of the boys -- on this planet. Just us. Forever.
I said those things to show my devotion to her.
To show my love.
What I failed to say is that I just will not settle for anyone.
I left a relationship, to someone who wanted to be with me, because I did not love her. I love my friend that I wrote about previously. I told them both who I wanted to be with.
So see, I am not alone, alone.
I am by myself, because the one I love does not return the same affection. It is not reciprocal.
I have had other grrrrlfriends. As I wrote, I have had a wife.
I just want someone who does not want me back.
I am not bitter, or angry. I do not hold it against her, after all, I do consider her my best friend.
I hurt her. I broke her heart. She told me this. And that broke my heart.
There is the old saying, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone."
Well, I knew what I had when I had it. I just see it clearer now.
Also, I do not depend on others to make me happy. I make myself happy. I am not co-dependant. I do just fine by myself.
No, this is an emotion, this is my love, my heart and soul.
I have told myself that I will never get it back. I know that.
But it does not heal the pain. The hurt is still there.
You know, I figured after I got out of the hospital and got well that everything in my life would just line right up.
I thought that straightening myself up, living right, everything would be OK.
I was wrong.
I had someone who was right and I turned my back on her.
I guess it is just like a clock. I have spent my time in the sunshine.
Because of what I have done in my life, hurt those who love me, been a bad person, it is time for me to walk in the dark.
I do not know how long it will last. I hope it is not long.
But all the things I have done in my life, all the harm I have done, hurt people so bad, that maybe it will last forever.
Hmmm....Karma.
Go figure?
I was driving around tonight, after I wrote my first blog of the evening, trying to clear my head.
Trying to allieviate bordom.
I heard a few songs while driving through town.

One, by Coldplay, really hit me:

"In my place, in my place,
Were lines that I couldn't change,
I was lost, oh yeah.
I was lost, I was lost,
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed ,
I was lost, oh yeah.
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?"

It really drove all these thoughts and emotions home. I made me turn around and come home. It made me sad.
Second, the song I heard was by a band called Cross Canadian Ragweed. I had heard a few other songs by them, and had heard they are really good live.
Well, the song I heard reminded me of all these thoughts bouncing around in my head, though I promised I would just keep to myself.

The song also reminded me of home:

"She said maybe I miss your lovin.
Maybe I miss your kiss just a little bit.
Maybe I miss your body lyin’ right next to mine,
Maybe I miss your touch a little too much...
They talked about Savannah,
Sweet home Alabama,
And how he missed the way she always smiled.
Are you coming back soon,
By the Harvest moon,
If I have to walk every mile on my knees."

Like I have written before, I live in Alabama, was raised in Alabama and will probably die in Alabama. I have been to lots of places and other countries, but home is home.
Well, I just felt that I needed to straighten some things out before someone read them and got the wrong idea.
Hope I did.
And if you are reading this, I did not say them, I wrote them.
I kept my promise.