I cannot write with all the noise in my bed

"It seems all his best lines were yours ..."
--Marie, "Dan in Real Life"
That line, from the movie "Dan in Real Life," is ringing in my ears as I type this. I write for a living, so it seems like I would have the perfect words to string together all the time, but for some reason this week, that has not been the case.
My job requires that I write at least one piece a day. I usually do not have a problem accomplishing this. However, for the last four or five days I have had a preoccupation that has taken over my brain and all that I do.
Circumstances in my personal life have dominated every single aspect of my being and, to be quite simple, have not relinquished their hold over me, no matter how hard I try to forget it and move on.
I have overcome a lot this summer, some things I personally thought, would kill me sometimes. Sometimes, I wished they would, but I was stronger and defeated the urges that pulled on me. I am now thankful it didn't happen, that those things, or thing, did not kill me.
I have too many things to be thankful for.
But this week, I lost something very special to me.
I am not going to throw any names out there, but there is one person, a woman, that I care about deeply. We have known each other for almost 20 years, and after almost a decade of not keeping that in touch, we reunited almost two years ago. Outside of the birth of my son, four years ago, these two years have been the best time of my life.
But as I mentioned earlier, I had my darkside. And that darkside almost beat me.
She fought and fought for me. But, as I have always been, I was stubborn. I did not listen. To her, to anybody.
So she left.
We have kept in touch since the spring when she said goodbye. We have actually become really good friends.
Finally, after a eight years of fighting it, I got some help. I got better.
It is still a fight that continues. Not so much the battle with what held me so tight, but with the process of reclaiming the "me" I once was.
I am learning more about me each day, aspects of my personality, heart, mind and soul, that I had forgotten existed. It was always there, but I had suppressed it so deep. It has taken me reconnecting with myself to find the missing parts.
I have not been a good person. I have not been a good father. My skills as a son and brother have been subpar. And my abilities as a friend have been less than stellar.
But to each in my life, I am trying. That is better than I offered before.
I wanted to blame everyone for the state I was in. But now, I realize it has been me all along.
And that is the first step.
That is where my best friend enters again.
She and I have not always seen eye to eye, but we have always shared what we truly were thinking and feeling. It allowed us to get very, very close.
But somewhere along the line I broke that trust.I lied.
Not once, but twice.
Stupid things that do not change the price of gas, mind you, but there were lies told all the same.
She called me out on them and it almost broke us.
She does not, nor did not, deserve dishonesty.
She has always been upfront and honest with me. And I appreciate that. It is one of the things that I most admire about her and one of the things that attracts me to her.
I am slowly trying to regain that trust I lost. She deserves that much.
I might not ever regain what I once had, but that does not matter so much right now.
What does fill my brain, heart, body and soul is a desire to have my best friend back. There is a void without her presence in my life. That black hole would swallow me up without her friendship.
She once told me she had my back and would follow me to the darkess places to fight for me. I let her down.
But she is still there. And I am still here.
We both realize there is something greater than the parts at stake here.
Getting this off my chest will hopefully lift the burden in my brain.
In less than 10 hours I will called to write again.
I just hope it is something worth reading.
Cause I have got one story to tell.